Stop Asking Me Why I Joined An Armadillo Pyramid Scheme

You guys, I am SO EXCITED. I just started my own business as an independent 9-Bandz armadillo retail consultant! 9-Bandz is a disruptive, game-changing multi level marketing company. I’m so stoked to be joining this team, and also to find out what the armadillo lifestyle is all about. Just ordered my starter kit!

I’m gonna be on Facebook Live tonight showing off some of my new merchandise. DO NOT MISS YOUR CHANCE TO RESERVE YOUR ARMADILLO! THEY ARE HOT AND THEY ARE GOING FAST (PROBABLY)!

Thanks to everyone who watched my live stream! I don’t think the armadillos are supposed to bite like that, but what can you do? Owning your own business is all about adapting.  I’m confident all the armadillos will be claimed soon, but DON’T WORRY, your girl has another shipment coming soon! Stay tuned!

Today’s Armadil-info fact is that some armadillos roll up in a ball when threatened. Just like a Liberal, am I right?! #MAGArmadillo #Girlboss #9Band

Wanna get on the 9-Bandz train. I am offering an INCREDIBLE ARMADILLOPPORTUNITY to join my team of amazing reptile-selling women. All it takes is a can-do attitude, an initial investment of $1200, and a six gallon drum of mealworms! My 9-Bandz business changed my life, or at least I’m sure it will eventually. 

Ladies in the 9-Bandz fam, can we talk about the armadillo poo? The stank is real, but you can’t argue with the results! I’m sure I’ll get results soon! 

Today’s Armadil-info Fun Fact is that back in the Great Depression, people used to eat armadillos ‘cause they were so hangry. Can you imagine? I would never eat a ‘dillo. Although, wait, is that what you’re supposed to do with them? I still don’t know, I’m just #hustling. 

Ladies in my 9-Bandz Fam! The ‘dillos be digging! Sometimes it’s hard because I’m trying to sleep and they are foraging through my trash bin. Is this what you meant when you said the product was disruptive? The #journey is hard sometimes but I’m sure it’ll all be worth it! Right? Right?

IT’S ANOTHER LIVE VIDEO! You guys aren’t gonna believe all of the new armadillos I got in. Pink Fairy Armadillos for the ladies! And Screaming Hairy Armadillos for all you tough boys! Gonna be armadilicious!

I just want to apologize for the live video tonight. I realize it was very graphic when that ‘dillo gave birth to 14 pups on camera. But, you know, that’s just how we roll in the 9-Bandz biz, right, fam? Could really use some validation here. Also I am offering a buy one, get 13 free special on baby armadillos with promo code: BABYDILL. 

I can’t believe I have to say this, but don’t claim an armadillo and then not pick it up. I have about 25 of these precious creatures that people said they wanted, but then didn’t pay me or come get their ‘dillo. It’s rude and disrespectful to my business! I’m a professional! Also I am running out of room for them. 

OK I just have a message for the haters out there. 9-Bandz is a legitimate business. Stop asking me why I’m “in an armadillo pyramid scheme with twelve pending BBB complaints” or “if it’s even legal to sell these live wild animals” and get a life! Also, I know they aren’t reptiles and I never said they were, check your facts. And stay tuned for another live video tonight!

Wow, apology time again! I was not expecting those two ‘dillos to fight to the death like that! I guess anything can happen in a live video, that’s what keeps it fun. Anyway, aside from those two, they are all still available for you to buy! Please!

Armadil-Info Fun Fact: Armadillos apparently serve no purpose except to jump four feet into the air and scare the hell out of me, then nest into my Coach handbag, and shit all over my couch. 

The first five people who comment on this post and tell me what the fuck an armadillo is good for will WIN A PRIZE!! SPOILER ALERT: THE PRIZE IS A GOD DAMN ARMADILLO. CAN ANYONE IN MY UPLINE PLEASE HELP ME FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY? 

Unfortunately, my partnership with 9-Bandz has ended. It was a wild ride and I’m still a #Girlboss, but my landlord has served me with an eviction warning. Apparently I am not permitted to keep 65 live armadillos in my studio apartment. I’m bummed, but I know these ‘dillos will be okay. I just dropped them all off at Goodwill inside a duffle bag. Onward and upward!

What am I doing with my life?!?!


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