How To Make Chocolate Cake Using A High-Pressure Fracking Rig

Hi guys, this is Victoria, back again with an extra special recipe! This chocolatey 3 layer cake is my favorite thing to make for my 5 kids (ages 1, 3, 4, 9, and 11) and darling husband. They can’t get enough of the dark chocolate ganache center and deeply rich flavor that only comes from using a high-pressured drilling rig to inject water, sand, and a Proprietary Flavor Chemical Blend deep into the cake’s core. 

If you don’t have a drilling rig, you may need to find another recipe. Some of the steps in this recipe involve using tools that can only be bought by those wealthy enough to buy and sell oil overseas. Some people think they can complete this recipe using a turkey baster or a pastry filling injector, but it won’t provide the same flavor depth and breadth as using a fracking drill will. 

I remember the first time I made a fracked chocolate cake. I was in my late 20s and had enough money to purchase my first used fracking drill. I made the mistake of getting the Proprietary Flavor Chemicals all over my skin, causing some light chemical burns on my stomach and arms. Whoops!

Unfortunately, certain laws such as The Legalized Secrecy Law of 2012 prevent us from disclosing any of the Proprietary Flavor Chemicals provided for you to shoot into the chocolate cake at high pressure, despite numerous bills in congress urging lawmakers to do so. So some of the information in this recipe may be absent because of this. With good intuition though, this should be no problem!

Ingredients:

  • 2 1/2 cups of flour
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 1 tablespoon [REDACTED]
  • [PROPRIETARY INFORMATION]
  • 1 tsp sand
  • 1 tbsp water
  • Proprietary Flavor Chemical Blend

Materials:

  • Drilling rig (ExxonMobil brand is what I use)

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit. 
  2. Put dry ingredients in a bowl. 
  3. Mix ingredients thoroughly. 
  4. Add [REDACTED]. If you don’t have [REDACTED], you can substitute 1 tbsp chia seeds instead. 
  5. Mix in wet ingredients, including the [REDACTED]. 
  6. Bake for 30-45 minutes. 
  7. Inject sand, water, and Proprietary Flavor Chemical Blend deep into the center of the cake using your high-pressured drilling rig. 
  8. Serve with [REDACTED] and some powdered sugar on top.

Well, readers! If you’ve followed instructions and made it this far you should have a beautifully-fracked chocolate cake.

There are no scientifically-backed claims that fracking cakes causes earthquakes, [REDACTED], or the ability to “set your water on fire.” If you find yourself being able to set your water on fire after fracking a cake, check with your local water company or state water agency, as it may be their fault. Perhaps they accidentally dumped gasoline in the water supply, or thought it would be metal to have flaming water. I don’t know, I’m just a housewife. 

If you experience an increase in frosting or develop cancer, go to your doctor immediately. You may have to wait 2-8 weeks to see a doctor as hospitals are overloaded with patients who became sick, but definitely not because they injected flavor chemicals into their cakes!

Good luck!

XOXO (love you as always),
Victoria

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