“I mean, honestly, we talk about health care. The best solution is not to need health care… The best solution is to change the way people eat, the way they live, the lifestyle, and diet.”

Whole Foods Market CEO, John Mackey

Hate to be the bringer of bad news, but I denied your request for a CT scan. First off, I want you to know that I get it—you’re scared. I looked at your test results and I’m scared too. I don’t actually know what Encephalitis is, but given that it’s hard to pronounce and the treatment is expensive, my assumption is that your life is in immediate peril. The most important thing for us to do right now is to get to the source of what’s really going on inside your body.

Have you tried switching to organic whole grains?

Your doctor tells me that this disease was likely transmitted to you by a mosquito or possibly a tick while you were hiking in the Catskills, but let’s face it—the standard American diet is high fat, high sodium. How else can you explain the fact that 71% of Americans are overweight, and that you are experiencing debilitating fatigue and occasional paralysis on the right side of your body?  

Diet is the answer. And it’s not just about what you eat. It’s also about what you drink. So, the next time you’re experiencing memory loss or a lack of muscle coordination, just cut out the soda pop!  

How much water are you drinking?

Your doctor called me in a panic yesterday. She stressed that a CT scan is essential for monitoring the level of fluid in your brain, but I cannot overstress the importance of staying hydrated.  Did you know that doctors say people should be drinking at least 8 glasses of water every day? I sure as heck don’t drink that much water, and I’m pretty sure you don’t either.

I know what you’re thinking: “This bozo thinks organic whole grains and water are going to cure my Encephalitis.” Only an idiot would think that. The water needs to be infused with electrolytes.

Electrolytes are tiny miracle particles invented by SmartWater that replenish the body with essential nutrients you won’t find in gross, economically sustainable tap water. Sure, a month’s supply will set you back the cost of rent, but that’s a small price to pay for your health.

There’s something I want to make perfectly clear: I am not a doctor. I’m a businessman. My area of expertise is increasing profits and talking loudly. Even though I never went to medical school, you should trust what I have to say because I recently switched to veganism and I’m feeling great!

Let’s just say that, hypothetically, I agreed to pay for the CT scan.  Do you really want to go through that awful experience—laying partially naked in a cold metal tube only to find out that I’m not going to pay for surgery because you eat bacon? That would be a complete waste of your time.

I know this hard for you to hear, not just because I’m denying your CT scan, but also because increased brain fluid causes sensory issues. The main thing I want you to take away is that this is your fault for choosing Kit-Kats over organic, locally sourced kumquat juice.

Start eating right, and you’re going to fight this thing. You’ll see. When I think about your future, I see you at Whole Foods filling your shopping cart with ancient grains, feeling like your brain has the correct amount of fluid.

Whatever happens, just remember that you are not alone. There are literally millions of other health insurance customers in your exact same position.

Before I move on to denying my next customer vital treatment over their love of Captain Crunch, I want to leave you with this one important thing: The average adult is made up of 50-60% water. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions from that.