Dear Henry: An Off-The-Record Advice Column For Those Unfortunately Connected To Fascism

“The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.”

Henry Kissinger, August 1967

Dear Henry,

First, let me just say that I am a huge fan of your work, particularly your earlier stuff like Watergate. People tend to focus on your newer, bigger hits in Latin America, but I know you had impressive dodges of responsibility long before your staged coups. 

Anyway, I have gotten myself into a bit of a totalitarian mess. I’m hoping you can provide some guidance. Like every God-fearing-and-real-milk-from-actual-cows-lovin’ patriot, I felt hope when the world’s best landlord was elected president of my United States. In support I bought a few bumper stickers, then a billboard, then an AK-47, and then a school bus that I filled with human billboards (my Republican friends). One act of courage led to another, and soon the human billboards and I stormed the Capitol, peed on Nancy Pelosi’s office furniture, and did cartwheels down the aisle, as the Founding Fathers intended. But now, my mom won’t stop bragging about it on Facebook, which has led to awkward conversations with the authorities, my ex-girlfriend Tonya, and the neighbor’s pitbull who won’t stop staring at me. I don’t want to hurt my mom’s feelings, but now I’m wanted by the FBI. Help??

In admiration,
Liquid Courage in Indiana

Dear Liquid Courage,

Thank you for your kind words and thoughtful question. Though I never did anything as embarrassing as whizzing on government furniture, I did drop some bombs on Cambodia and remained a bastion for human rights. It’s all in the art of statesmanship! 

Unfortunately, all of those tech wizards now have compromised the internet and there is no way to “undo” your mother’s regrettable tags. Plus, the cover-up is always worse than the crime. So the best way to go about your situation is to point your finger at everyone else, in particular the victims of your “crimes.” This is rather simple: Nancy Pelosi provoked war with your colleagues; your colleagues tried to fully shit all over her antique wooden desk; you promoted a peaceful compromise with urination, which is easier to clean up and hardly noticeable from Capitol Hill tours. 

Henry Kissinger

Dear Henry,

Huge fan of your covert overthrows of democratically-elected governments. I have to give a shout-out to that whole kidnapping (and murder, whoops!) of the Chilean general standing in the way of the military coup. I tried to emulate your work and recruited some other rising diplomats to kidnap that freedom strangler, Governor Gretchen Whitmer. We never intended to harm her, as you never intended to harm General Schneider (wink, wink), but suddenly we’re saddled with some serious federal charges? It’s all a misunderstanding. What happened to the FBI that was with us in the fun of it all, carrying out assassinations, wiretapping Civil Rights leaders, and condemning It’s A Wonderful Life? Would love your help explaining this miscommunication to a federal judge.

Undiscovered Mastermind in Michigan

P.S. No pressure, but I’ve attached my original kidnapping plot and would love any notes for future drafts. 

Dear Undiscovered Mastermind, 

Fantastic to hear from a fan familiar with my guided transitions of power. It is crucial to do no human harm when carrying out missions to save democracy. For future purposes, though, remember that the definition of “human” is flexible. 

My recommendation for your trial is to get rid of the evidence. Back when you had to wiretap telephones, I escaped charges for hiding thousands of pages of phone transcripts, and that was at the highest court in the land. I’m sure you could punch a few buttons on your iPod phone and make it all go away. 

Henry Kissinger

P.S. Great plot, my only note is to try getting elected (or appointed, same thing) first. 

Dear Henry, 

I once stated on national television that I would never accept advice from you, but here I am writing to your column. Ah, the irony! You thought you were one cool cat in the seventies but guess what, it’s a new millennium, baby, and I’m America’s Favorite Old Guy. They put my face on coffee mugs, v-necks, and good-natured ass tats. 

Alright, Henry, I apologize for bragging, I really do need advice. I’m worried I don’t have another presidential run in me, but your implausibly long life gives me hope. How did you trick Father Time, and as the Gen Zers say, can I have the ‘cheat code’? 

Not Your Friend,
Cozy in Vermont

Dear Cozy,

Cute, Bernie. But not as cute as my Nobel Peace Prize shimmering while I fall asleep next to her. Ever thought of getting one of those?

Henry Kissinger

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