Okay, everyone. Grab all your things, and let’s get this show on the road–but only the road. 

Not the sidewalk, not the highway, and definitely not an alleyway of any kind. It’s simply too narrow for our show. I don’t think any of us need to be reminded about how the presence of a fire escape affects our trapeze act (R.I.P. Enrique). 

On second thought, we should probably just eliminate the trapeze act altogether. Becky’s our only remaining trapeze artist and according to her, “I’m not doing this shit over moving vehicles anymore goddamnit!” Who knew acrobats could be such scaredy cats, am I right?  

Anyway, I’m suggesting we replace the trapeze act with the women’s tabernacle choir. All the surviving members are quick on their feet, as we learned from our highway shows, and their screams are easily masked by the fog of traffic. And now that our show will be exclusively on the road, oncoming vehicles will also be much slower. Fifty miles tops. I know she’s still in a wheelchair, but we might even be able to bring Agnes back. Wouldn’t it be great to see Agnes again? 

Of course we’ll have to find a fairly wide road in order to accommodate all 100 of our Chinese dragon dancers. Their act worked well on the highway due to the six lane width, but Xiao Ming has made it very clear that his therapist insists we do not return to, “the site of so much death.” So I’m thinking maybe Main St? It’s got four and a half lanes and no speed limit, which basically makes it a highway without officially being a highway. What do you think, Xiao Ming? Come on, be brave. It’s what Enrique would’ve wanted. 

Speaking of brave–Timothy the Tigerman, I’m sorry but the sidewalk is no longer a viable venue. After your tigers almost mauled that baby-faced Jehovah’s Witness, we just can’t afford to have you so close to our audience anymore. Bummer, I know. But now that our show will be on the road, most of our audience will be seated inside their vehicles. You know where I’m going with this, don’t you? Yup, they can go off leash! That includes you too, Timothy.

Now I don’t want to jinx anything, but I think it’s worth mentioning that the last show that went on the road eventually made it to the greatest road of all time–Broadway. Never forget that before Wicked became Wicked, they were just a group of unemployed witches blocking an intersection. But I’ll tell you what, those sons of witches believed in themselves. And boy could they dodge traffic. That kind of athleticism is what took them from Prairie Ave to 9th St and then all the way up and over to Broadway! If they can do it, so can we. 

Remember back when our show was still on a dirt path? Despite having to do all our musical numbers next to poison oak and bear traps, we kept sharing our gift with the world. Night after night, sometimes even a matinee! And it all paid off when those two backpackers stumbled into our VIP section and went on to write rave reviews about us in the AAA Guide. Now look at us, performing everywhere from roundabouts to railroads! Once we get this show on the road, I’m confident that success will be right around the corner. 

On that note, does anyone with a map know if Main St. actually has corners? Or is it more like one of those long squiggly roads? I just want to make sure…before we get this show on the road.