Hey, look at me, listen, stop crying. The fact of that matter is this, the hole is already cut.

I made sure that it didn’t go into your bedroom, or heaven forbid, your precious bathroom. I do have respect for your privacy, for heaven’s sake.

I even made a sneaky little late-night visit to map out your floor plan exactly. Nothing weird! It was to ensure correct pole placement, you see. Sorry about your window by the way, but I think your insurance should cover the shattered glass and I wanted this home improvement project to be a surprise.

Isn’t it charming to have a lofty ceiling in this one specific spot? That’ll be a major plus in the resale market. That’s found value babe, and sure, we’re technically renters, but think of how much our landlord will appreciate it!

No, of course I haven’t told him yet. I wanted to prove it’s functionality first. Better to ask for permission than forgiveness, ha ha! Or no, wait, they other way around. You get it, smart guy like yourself. I’ve always thought that, always told myself you were smart. That’s a big part of why I built the pole! Now I can slide down into your flat anytime I need a question answered! Think of that! Do I smell budding friendship? You can even climb the pole to get up into my place, and we can watch a movie together. Or we can have lazy day chats through the hole itself! I will lay on my belly and we can gab about anything you want. I love lazy days. 

And, technically, we’re now roommates! So exciting to have a friend as a roommate, I’ve always wanted that for myself. Of course it’ll cost you a bit more in rent, but we can square that later. Point is, I want you to consider this pole yours as much as it is mine. Just don’t go hanging anything on it because it will get crushed as I slide down. And don’t leave anything sharp at the base! I want to be able to use this thing in my bare feet. That’s very important to me.

Oh come on, don’t worry so much about all this sawdust, the wind from your broken window will dissipate it. I just love the smell, don’t you? Carpentry! Yes sir, it’s a new era in our relationship.

Listen, enough about the landlord. I sent a letter off this morning with both of our names on it explaining the whole thing. And before you ask, no, I didn’t forge your signature. I improvised it! On the off chance he doesn’t like it, I thought it better to say that it was both of our ideas. Tenant’s union brother! Solidarity! Plus, since he definitely will like it, you will now get partial credit! Say goodbye to next year’s rent hike! Ha ha! 

Where are you going? Do you hear sirens? Maybe it’s the gang from the local firehall coming by to check out our handiwork! Won’t they be chuffed!

You know, the more I listen, the more it sounds like the siren from police cruiser #5498. Just as well, I’m sure they will appreciate the pole too. Good craft is good craft, as they say. Hey, here’s an idea. I’ll make myself scarce so you can show the pole off by yourself, now that you love it so much. That’s my gift to you, buddy. Let me just hack another quick hole down into the cellar and hide out there while you talk to the cops. Don’t forget to give me the all-clear when they’re gone! Love you man! Can’t wait for our new life together, yes sir, just me, you, and my saw. See you soon!