by Chris Calogero and Emily Winter

Attention Upper East Siders: The hit CW TV show Gossip Girl, which originally aired from 2007-2012, premieres its brand new reboot on HBO Max July 8. Who’s the director? We haven’t looked it up. But here’s what the show will definitely look like in the hands of…

…The Coen Brothers 

EXT. METROPOLITAN MUSEUM OF ART – DUSK

Very wide shot. The stony museum seeps into a gray sky. Or maybe the other way around. Everything looks dead. But as we ever-so-slowly zoom in on the seemingly deserted Met steps, we spot a huddled mass. Closer. Closer. There: A slim teenager whose flaxen hair and stunning face are dulled by the day. Her navy blue prep school uniform is covered in blood.

This is MARGOT EVERGREEN. She stares into the boring air, bored. 

When AUBERGINE BURKE sits beside her. Another uniformed teen, but with an OVERSIZED BOW in her silky brown hair. Like Margot, she’s bloody and unfazed. Aubergine hands Margot one of two Le Pain Quotidien coffee cups without looking at her. 

AUBERGINE
Oat milk.

Margot nods. Simultaneously, a droplet of blood swells and plummets from each girl’s jacket sleeve. Splat. Crimson on concrete. The young women sip their coffee, staring into the distance. Finally:

MARGOT
The influencer?

AUBERGINE
The influencer.

Aubergine pulls a cigarette and lighter from her jacket pocket and sparks up. Margot smirks and shakes her head, resigned. 

MARGOT
The influencer.

Aubergine takes a drag. 

AUBERGINE
The god damn influencer.

A dark car pulls up to the Met museum steps. 

Margot rises, then descends to the car. With every step, blood dribbles from the sides of her Botega Venneta boots. SQUISH, SQUISH, SQUISH. Margot leaves a trail of BLOODY FOOTPRINTS behind her. She opens the car’s back door and turns to Aubergine. 

MARGOT
The fuckin’ influencer.

---

Werner Herzog

INT. UPPER EAST SIDE BALLROOM – NIGHT 

Impeccably dressed teenagers flirt and dance at a MASQUERADE BALL. 

WERNER HERZOG (V.O.)
We see the creatures in the midst of yet another mating ritual. 

CLEMENTINE VON BONBON, 16 and beautiful with long, beachy tresses and a low cut dress, enters the room and slides a diamond-encrusted mask over her eyes. 

WERNER HERZOG (V.O.)
Masks over masks over masks. 

Immediately, TWO MALE SUITORS dote on her. She relishes it. 

ANGLE ON: Clementine’s best friend, ASIA KENNEDY, 16 and pretty in a high-necked dress, grandma’s locket sort of way, being shoved aside by a THIRD PINING GUY as he rushes to Clementine. 

WERNER HERZOG (V.O.)
They wait, hope, prepare, despair. 

Asia huffs, grabs a champagne flute from a passing waiter’s tray, slams it, and crosses her arms. She’s ravaged by jealousy. She grabs another champagne and marches up to her friend. 

WERNER HERZOG (V.O.)
They do the same thing over and over, hoping for different results, but we do not call them crazy.

Asia TOSSES THE DRINK into Clementine’s face, and we follow her as she storms out of the ballroom, collapses on a foyer bench, and cries.

WERNER HERZOG (V.O.)
We simply call them teenagers. 

Asia tries to compose herself. 

WERNER HERZOG (V.O.)
At school on Monday, she will pretend not to care about any of this. Perhaps by her eighteenth year, through disciplined practice, she will train herself to shut down her limbic system, the part of the brain that’s controlling the emotions.

Asia can’t quite get it together. She HURLS her champagne flute and it shatters on the floor.

WERNER HERZOG (V.O.)
Why care about anything in a universe that does not care about us?

FADE TO BLACK.

---

Discourse Gossip Girl Man

“Pilot”

By Aaron Sorkin