A Literal Interpretation Of “It’s Raining Men”

Hello. I’m your local forecaster.
And I have some pretty baffling news.
You should listen carefully.
Now it says “Get ready all you lonely girls and leave those umbrellas at home”
But I don’t feel like that’s appropriate for the situation at hand. 
You’ll see what I mean shortly. 

Something is very wrong (I feel sick), It’s important that you know (This is not good)
According to all sources (The ones that have survived)
The cellar’s the place to go (And lock the door behind you)
‘Cause tonight for the first time
I’m sorry that the song structure is keeping you in suspense
But for the first time in history
It’s gonna start raining men

It’s raining men! I’m not kidding!
It’s raining men! God is dead!
I’m gonna run ‘til I can’t hear their screams
The sound of them hitting the earth will haunt my dreams!
It’s raining men! I hear them falling!
It’s raining men! Over and over again!
Men who are admittedly attractive although I’m not sure why that’s part of the discussion
Are piling up across the country and rural parts of Russia!

[Verse 1]
If I wasn’t such a coward
I would take my life
But I have a family to look after
My children and my wife
I will not abandon them
Or let them see me cry
Though if they ask what’s happening 
I can’t think of a lie

It’s raining men! Don’t let your children watch the news!
It’s raining men! Don’t go near the windows in the den!
I’m ignoring survivors banging on my door to let them in
No matter how much they beg!
It’s raining men! I’ve seen too much!
It’s raining men! I wanna stab out my eyes with a pen!
Dozens, thousands, millions, and way more than ten
Hit buildings and cars and the pavement

I feel life on earth was unnatural
Mankind was a sin
I hear the screaming bodies falling
As I try to calm my nerves with gin
Ripping through my roof 
And my once beautiful garden

[Verse 2]
An evil force is upon us
That’s the only explanation that makes sense
We must’ve done something bad as a people 
And this is our punishment
Jesus Christ is weeping
The blood is on our (clothes, shoes, faces, and) hands
The raining is subsiding 
Now that I’m starting to understand
Then I check the window
Nope, it’s still raining men!

It’s raining men! I can’t stop puking!
It’s raining men! I’m puking again!
Accumulations of men steep enough to hike or sled
Mounds and heaps and pyra-mids!
It’s raining men! There’s nothing left in my stomach!
It’s raining men! I’m dry heaving instead!
Food is scarce but human rain is still a threat
All I have for food is my puke buck-ets!

Now the bodies are ascending, the sun’s visibility is low
According to all sources, the bodies are about to go
‘Cause tonight for the second time
Just when we thought the bodies had left
For the second time in history
It’s gonna continue raining men

It’s raining men! They’re falling again!
It’s raining men! When will it end?!
It’s raining men! Don’t be a hero!
It’s raining men! What sort’ve help would you lend?!
It’s raining men! There’s not much you can do anyway!
It’s raining men! Except maybe pray!
It’s raining men! But it feels too weird to be biblical! 
It’s raining men! I saw like forty fall on one guy’s head!
It’s raining men! What will we do when it’s over?!
It’s raining men! We can’t possibly bury this many men!
It’s raining men! We’ll have to burn them!
It’s raining men! Well excuse me for not being totally zen!
It’s raining men! It’s literally the sixth extinction!
It’s raining men! I’ll need a snow plow for my volkswagen!
(Hitting houses, trees, power lines, levees, manholes, windmills, and the fire depart-ment)
(Volcanoes and trampolines and field goal posts and the gas sta-tion)

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