Settling down with any religious figure, let alone Big J Himself, is kind of a big deal. Rest assured, feelings of apprehension are common before any commitment. Fortunately, a plethora of techniques exist for those who wish to transcend their sea of uncertainty and finally decide, “Is Jesus the guy for me?”

Create a Pros/Cons list

Pros: He’s a martyr, so He’s probably very giving in bed. He could serve as a fitness accountability partner. He turns water into wine (cheap date!). He leads a minimalist lifestyle and His sparse personal belongings wouldn’t clash with a uniquely curated California Eclectic Mid-Century Gothic Post-Malone tiny home aesthetic. His father has a lot of influence (prosperous future!). His manbun is only mildly douchey.

Cons: Something about eating His body? Is this Eucharist thing a secret society for perverts? Really hope He’s not in league with Armie Hammer. No kink shame, but He can’t go around casually nibbling on people or whine about not feeling eaten enough by others. Considering His Christian conversion camps, His familiarity with consent comes into question.

Process of elimination

Look at every option and one-by-one, cast down the least appealing. Example: when considering The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit, who seems the best fit? The Father could trigger your deep-seeded issues with authority figures, so that’s out. The Holy Spirit would probably make your personal demons feel unwelcome, which isn’t fair because the little fellas have lived with you for years and the current housing crisis is no joke. The Son claims to be very forgiving (the demons can stay!) and though never having experienced a polyamorous lifestyle before, Mary Magdalene could definitely vibe.

Walk in His shoes

Okay, He doesn’t always wear shoes, more of 50/50 barefoot/sandals style, but this technique is more about empathizing with your prospective Lord and Savior. But if shoes are a must, chanclas work best. Walk around, bless some children, feel your hair flowing in the wind, try your hand at resurrecting the dead. Ask yourself, “Can Jesus hang?”

Communicate expectations

Why do you think Satanists write their deals in blood? It’s called “bargaining with The Devil” because they understand that all relationships are transactional. Judgement day has come and you need to come to terms with the fact that all men, even Jesus Christ, are inherently self-centered. It’s not because He doesn’t love you — it’s because we’re living under a toxic patriarchy. 

So write down your expectations, your deal breakers, and then communicate them to Jesus. Can He meet your needs? If He can, hallelujah! But before officially accepting Him into your heart, notarize and file those expectations and thou shall not give Him access to your bank account because He’ll be asking for charity in no time.

Art therapy

How do you imagine living a life with Him at your side and in your heart? Gather your art materials, close your eyes, and let your hands guide you. What do you see in this picture? If unable to draw, you and He are not a match, but fear not, Lucifer is always there for you. 

If the drawing doesn’t provide clear enough guidance, request a full analysis from a psychotherapist, but don’t be surprised if they suggest prioritizing healing from childhood wounds created from living with an emotionally absent mother. When you dig deep, submitting your entirety to Jesus Christ sounds a lot like anxious attachment. Is this the relationship you really want?

Magic 8 Ball

Be cautious when engaging in this practice, for His Father would not approve of its use due to a close association with sorcery. Nonetheless, it is an extremely effective tool for deciding if you should accept Him into your heart. 

The responses are relatively straightforward, however, “Reply hazy, try again” is actually a coded warning that spirits are nearby. Hide this divination tool quickly, for The Holy Spirit has a penchant for accusing unmarried young women of witchcraft the moment they show a whisper of interest in the occult.

Toast a slice of bread

Though less effective than the Magic 8 Ball, toasting bread and reading coil marks remains one of the most popular methods for receiving holy guidance. Additionally helpful is that toasters are one of few household items with no association to witchery, so there’s relatively zero risk of The Holy Spirit hovering when seeking answers from the metaphysical vessel that is Wonder Bread. 

Once the toast pops, place the toast on a flat surface and gaze onto it. Step back, cross your eyes, then gaze at the toast again. Do you see the image of Jesus? If so, accept Him into your heart! But if you see The Virgin Mary, you’re probably questioning your attraction to men and if that’s the case, go forth and be with Mary!