Occasional Horniness Will Cost You, Dear: An Imagined Conversation With My Doctor In 2025

“Have a seat, Ms. Goldring. How can we help?”

“Thank you. Yes, I’d like to discuss my contraception options.”

“Oh-kaaay.”

“I’m wondering about a hormonal implant?”

“We can’t actually get those in the UK any more.”

“Oh. Why’s that?”

“Problems with the suppliers unfortunately. Y’know – Brexit and all that.”

“Really? How about a coil?”

“Ah. You can still get those but not on the NHS. You’d have to go private… and we’re talking mega bucks.”

“So what would you advise then?”

“Have you tried the obvious things? You know – cold showers, a big plate of pasta after nine-thirty? Switching your evening tipple for a warm milky drink?”

“What? Oh. We’re not exactly, y’know, going at it like rabbits. It’s pretty irregular. That said, I don’t know if we could just… stop.”

“And how long have you felt this compulsion?”

“I wouldn’t say it’s a compulsion!”

“So your husband is the issue?”

“Well, we both…”

“Look personal hygiene can be key. We’re talking no teeth brushing, minimal showering, unrestrained flatulence. And those tatty knickers you’ve made into dusters? Get them back in the mix. He’ll soon go off the idea.”

“I’m not sure Howard – ”

“… and Marmite. Really works for some couples. Apply liberally: top and tail.”

“I’m afraid we’re both in the ‘love it’ camp.”

“Okay, I think we’re going to need to escalate our treatment options. We are trialling a special service for the over forties.”

“Okay.”

“Are you partial to a gritty box set?”

“Actually, yes. I mean, who isn’t?”

“Still got a DVD player?”

“Yes.”

“Great. We’ve got all sorts in our library. Homeland, The Wire – total libido killer that one – the full range of Nordic noir. A dose of environmental despair can work wonders. The Blue Planets 1 and 2 are often sufficient but, failing that, The Perfect Planet is highly effective. Looking at you though… I’m going to prescribe the top shelf stuff. You and Mr. Goldring should take two episodes a night – Breaking Bad.”

Breaking Bad?”

“It’s important that you don’t break the course, okay? That really would be Breaking Bad. Ha!”

“And this will prevent pregnancy?”

Not on its own. But in combination with a regular topical treatment – Question Time or Newsnight. Either will do.”

“And after we’ve finished Breaking Bad?”

“It’s largely about establishing good non-sexy habits. Rest assured, by Season 5 things will have taken care of themselves.”

“That’s really the best you can offer me?”

“I’m afraid it is, Ms. Goldring. Now, if you don’t mind my next patient is a chronic haemorrhoid sufferer with a snowball’s chance in hell of getting funded for a corrective procedure. We’d better not keep him sitting down any longer, had we?”

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