Whistle blown: Six Key Revelations From The Leaked Wonka Papers

A trove of internal Willy Wonka Candy Company documents leaked by a current Wonka worker turned whistleblower reveals the notoriously closemouthed candy confectionery colossus meticulously obfuscated real-world harms of its products, manufactured a fictional transfer of corporate control, and bullied employees to satisfy an insatiable sweet-tooth for profits. Out of concerns for personal safety, the whistleblower’s identity is being protected.

Here are six key discoveries from the documents and statements from the Wonka whistleblower:

CEO Charles Bucket Wields Little Actual Power:

Bucket was anointed as the new head of Wonka, Inc. after prevailing over a group of other children in a highly-publicized global morality competition disguised as a tour of the Wonka campus. At the time, Wonka announced his retirement and apparent transfer of control to Bucket. Documents and supporting video tell a different story.

“It was a ruse to generate positive PR and to calm Wonka board concerns over Willy’s advanced age, erratic behavior and lack of a clear succession plan. But he never surrendered the keys to the kingdom,” asserts the Whistleblower. “Wonka blackmailed Bucket into being his puppet. In the propaganda film, it looks as if Charlie’s return of the Everlasting Gobstopper wins the ultimate prize. But that’s just spin. The boss meant it when he said ‘You get nothing! You lose!’”

While most are familiar with the Fizzy Lifting Drink incident, a tour transgression by Bucket and his since-deceased Grampa Joe, evidence suggests that there were more incriminating incidents involving Grampa Joe captured on WonkaVision security cameras. Images that gave Wonka ultimate leverage.

“Old man Bucket was wildly inappropriate,” explained the Whistleblower. “He was handsy and particularly aggressive with Mrs. Gloop – bragging about his sexual prowess and asking if she would be into ‘rolling around in bed for months at a time with three others.’ Wonka had all of that and threatened to leak it and destroy the Buckets if Charlie did not go along with his scheme.”

Wonka Quashed Oompa Organizing

The public has generally believed the Oompa-Loompas, grateful for their rescue from predators in their homeland, were content to be paid in cocoa beans.

However, internal emails and memos prepared by Wonka counsel show that attempts by Wonka workers to unionize were aggressively quashed.

“For decades the Oompas were closed off from the world while housed in military-style gender-divided barracks. Wonka played God and they were none-the-wiser,” explained the Whistleblower.

Communications among the Oompas points to the discovery of technologies gleaned from shrunken Golden Ticket holder Mike Teavee during treatment in the Gum-Stretcher Room. An Oompa custodian was able to smuggle a television set from a security guard tower which, for the first time, revealed the world outside the walls of the Wonka compound.  And a fateful late-night secret viewing of the film Norma Rae ignited a movement.

Within the document dump are two telling photos from that time. The first captures a stoic orange figure standing at the summit of the chocolate waterfall holding aloft a sign reading “Union.” The second image clearly shows a single Oompa-Loompa with arms outstretched, standing before a halted fleet of Wonka delivery semi-trucks.

In a memo to file, in-house counsel quoted Wonka: “I want this [expletive] extinguished and I want it done yesterday! I want shock and awe. They’re always lecturing others with their [expletive] same melody every time songs. Who can rain hell down upon them and take away their food? The Candyman can!”

Curiously, and perhaps not coincidentally, there are zero reports of additional unionizing efforts following Wonka’s orders.

Not So Everlasting

Wonka marketing plans reveal deliberate deception around one of the company’s signature products – the Everlasting Gobstopper. Publicly, a massive advertising campaign claimed the treat lasted forever. Wonka himself participated in a nation-wide tour of low-income schools where he claimed to put profits aside to create candy for “children with very little pocket money.”

Internal research tells a very different story. Analysis conducted by Deloitte concluded that the costs to develop an everlasting candy were astronomical and that the resulting product would result in a catastrophic drop in sales.

All Gobstopper R&D was subsequently terminated. Instead, the company appears to have simply dyed and repackaged traditional jawbreakers, while maintaining the “everlasting” branding. The Federal Trade Commission has launched a specific inquiry into this matter.

Wonka Autos?

One document details what was covered in the extremely fine print within the contract signed by contest winners before touring the factory. “All of those kids, with zero legal counsel input, signed their rights away,” explained the Whistleblower. “I don’t mean rights as tourists but any unalienable rights they and their families had before or after coming here.”

A shocking example can be found in the case of Sam Beauregarde. Unbeknownst to his daughter Violet, her signature turned over full control of the family business, Sam Beauregarde’s Motors, in perpetuity to Wonka. Mr. Beauregarde, now 95, is legally bound to labor as an hourly employee, with Wonka collecting all profits.

Candy-Coated Science

The Wonka Papers shed light on think tanks largely funded by Wonka. The Confectionary Research Council, Parents for Nutrition and Sweet Freedom provided a drumbeat of white papers dubiously championing the positive societal and nutritional impacts of candy. Research “findings” included:

·       Kids who ate candy were cooler than kids who did not

·       Every astronaut and president ate candy as a child

·       Candy eaters wed hotter spouses

·       Candy-free households often end up as broken homes

Political Might

WonkaPAC political donations are based on support of “pure imagination.” Memos however include a report card grading candidate support of Wonka’s key issues including massive deregulation, slashed corporate taxes, relaxation of labor laws, and the inclusion of candy in the nutritional food pyramid.

Offered an opportunity to respond to the Wonka Papers, corporate spokesperson Sean Spicer provided the following: “We are the music makers and the dreamers of dreams. This whistle-blower is a bad egg and this ‘news’ is as fake as a Paraguayan golden ticket. Good day!”

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