Thank You For Applying To Adopt A Cat From Kat Korner Animal Shelter

We’re thrilled that you’d like to bring home a new feline friend! Please answer the following questions completely and honestly: 

  1. Which cat are you interested in adopting? 
  2. It’s the one that went viral on TikTok for spelling out his middle name in Pig Latin by wiggling his ears and then accidentally eating a lamp, isn’t it? 
  3. Okay, which cat is your second choice?
  4. Will you provide this cat with ample options to satisfy his natural urge to scratch?
  5. Are you aware that he will still prefer your furniture?
  6. Do you like your current furniture?
  7. But what about that gorgeous brand-new evergreen velvet West Elm couch that you somehow paid full price for even though they are constantly having 40% off sales? 
  8. Let’s talk medical care. Are you able to cover unexpected medical expenses for this cat should the need arise? 
  9. Will you purchase health insurance for your cat?
  10. Will you become violently jealous that your cat’s health insurance plan is surprisingly easy to use and far superior to your own? 
  11. Will you briefly consider trying to pass yourself off as a cat to enroll on his plan in a desperate attempt to get care for the nagging back pain you’ve been having for the past eight months? 
  12. Hypothetically, what name would you use for your cat self? 
  13. You’re not actually going to commit insurance fraud, right? (Our lawyer said we had to add that.)
  14. How many hours would the cat spend alone each day, on average? 
  15. If you answered “none,” are you okay?
  16. Will you at least not project your issues on a helpless animal that has no opinions on your ex because he was literally living a storm drain at the time?
  17. Why do you want to bring a cat into your life right now?
  18. It has nothing to do with how you heard terrifying rodent-esque scratching noises behind your stove and then huddled in your closet for four hours the other night, right? 
  19. Dietary needs: Do you plan on feeding your cat a primarily dry food diet or wet food diet?
  20. Did you just experience a small wave of nausea upon even reading the phrase “wet food diet?”
  21. Look, at least you don’t have to go outside in a blizzard at 6 am like with a dog.
  22. On a serious note, we sometimes encounter applicants who may create an abusive or otherwise untenable situation for their adopted cat. Please initial below to certify that you will NEVER do the following:
  • Neglect to refill your cat’s food bowl when the fill volume drops below 97%.
  • Deny your cat immediate snuggles and full attention, even if you’re asleep, speaking during a critical work call, or actively engaging in intimate relations with a partner
  • Place any physical obstacles to optimal birdwatching and capture, including blinds, curtains, and windows with glass or screens
  • Refer to yourself as a “pawrent”
  • Let him eat a lamp (see Question 2)

You’re almost ready to submit the application! 

To prove you’re not a robot, please complete the following simple math equation: 

If your cat expels one (1) hairball at 3 a.m. from a location 4.5 meters away, assuming a hacking audio volume of 62 decibels, what time will you be awakened and step in it? 

Thanks! As you await our decision, please consider clearing your closet of all black clothing if you’re planning to adopt a light-colored cat. Pack up all white clothing if you’re planning to adopt a black cat. If you’re interested in a gray cat, our apologies to all of your clothing. We’ll let you know the status of your application in three to five business days, but maybe longer in the event your chosen cat feels undecided or simply does not like your vibe.

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