Hello hello hello! Welcome back to the werkroom, my queens! Last week you stunned us all with your performances in our all-new exercise equipment themed musical experience, Heloton. But for this week’s maxi challenge, you’ll be facing your toughest assignment yet: stopping Russia’s invasion of Ukraine.
You’ll be divided into two teams. The first team will be led by Drag Race icon and star of the extremely politically relevant film From Russia With Hate, Bianca Del Rio. The second team will be led by our bejeweled Secretary of State Antony J. Blinken, making his drag debut as Anita Miracle. Each team will pitch their crisis-defusing strategies to our distinguished panel of judges, including myself, Michelle Visage, Ross Mathews, and a scary red telephone linked directly to the Kremlin.
But that’s not all! Each team must present their de-escalation techniques as an interpretive dance routine. For music, you will have three classic songs to choose from: “Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees, “It’s The End Of The World As We Know It” by R.E.M., and a track of diplomats tensely clearing their throats played over the sound of rumbling tanks. Oh, and there’s a Cher song in there, too.
Whatever song you end up with, your work will be judged not only on the complexity and execution of your dance moves, but on how well your choreography represents the everyday human’s desire to please, please just skip all the missiles and drones, thanks very much. Our judges are looking not just for charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent, but also poise, articulation, nobility, and CALM.
Of course it wouldn’t be a Drag Race challenge without some jaw-dropping fashion. The queens on each team will be responsible for creating a set of three sickening looks for our “Diplomacy Disco Ball.” The categories are: “Cold War Gone Hot Executive Realness,” “Embassy Evacuation Eleganza Extravaganza,” and “Not This Fucking Shit Again.” As you walk the runway, the judges and I will deliver our usual running commentary of saucy innuendos and bad puns. This week, we’ll also be adding in nuanced political analysis of the current situation, placing this crisis in its proper socio-cultural context.
Basically, your makeup game had better be on point, because this shit’s getting high-brow.
You will have 90 minutes to sew your three looks from scratch using only the unconventional materials you see before you. We have all the usual suspects: clearance bin Christmas decorations from Party City, an assortment of pastel pool noodles, and these charming camouflage jackets from the 82nd Airborne Division stationed along the Ukraine-Poland border for what I’m sure are unrelated reasons. I’d grab those first if I were you. They’re just so very chic, very now, very Valentino-goes-to-Crimea.
What’s that you say? You think it’s unrealistic for us to ask all of this of you, a group of drag queens not well-versed in foreign policy, in the space of a few hours? You say the judges and I unfairly nitpick tiny runs in your stockings, slightly askew false eyelashes, and your bewildering inability to correctly pronounce “Kyiv?” Suck it up, sailor! There are a million other queens dying to take your place, and I’m not finished with you yet.
After you present your dance routines and stomp the runway, the judges and I will deliberate. The bottom two queens will face off in a lip sync performance of my new hit single, “NATO Gonna Give You Up.” We’ll be expecting you to pull out all the stops: from splits to wig reveals to actual death drops, it’s all on the table. The winning queen will walk away with a cash tip of $5,000, and also a job offer from the Biden administration complete with a fleet of policy aides. The losing queen will, of course, sashay away, but as a consolation prize will immediately be flown out East to entertain the 82nd Airborne Division. I’m sure they could use a few laughs right now, and what’s funnier than a drag queen who can’t even solve a basic diplomatic crisis? Honestly. She’s going to get read for filth on Twitter.