Playground Math Problems For Toddler Moms

by Lisa Cowan

Jenna is 3 years old and runs at 134mph. Alice is 8 months old and weighs 64 lbs. If it takes 5 adult hands to restrain Jenna and 2 adult hands to hold Alice, what the heck are you supposed to do when Jenna bolts for the lake?


You are 0.3 miles NE of the playground with the red slide, driving at an average speed of 33mph. Dominic demands to go to the playground with the blue slide instead, located 13.4 miles SW. If you insist that you are not changing destination, but Dominic insists that you are, how many minutes before you arrive at the playground with the blue slide? Assume rush hour traffic.


Mia weighs 26 lbs and is seated perilously close to the edge of a merry-go-round with a 1800mm radius and a mass of 72,000 grams. Daddy spins the merry-go-round at a whopping 25 rotations per minute, causing Mia to be sucked out the side by the resulting centrifugal force and land in a crumpled heap on the concrete. If you saw, how much trouble is Daddy in?


Cora has 30 minutes to spend at the playground. She spends 100% of the time on the swings, and 0% of the time on the seesaw. When the 30 minutes are up and it is time to go home, how hard will Cora flip her shit about the seesaw thing?


There are 10 children at the playground. 9 are perfectly healthy, and 1 has visibly active chickenpox. Applying Murphy’s Law, how many seconds after arriving at the playground will your toddler approach the chickenpox kid?


You are a woman standing 5’7” tall and weighing 150 lbs. The Turbo Twister tunnel slide has a diameter of just 24” and slopes precariously at an angle of 116 degrees. If your toddler demands to ride down on your lap, how many hours will you both spend wedged in the tunnel slide? Express your answer as a surd.


Your 4-year-old, Jackson, has 1 dead bird he found under the monkey bars. If he gives 1/3 to his brother James, and 1/3 to his brother John, what fraction of your kids have salmonella?


It is -16F and you are at the playground at 7:43 a.m. Show your work.

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