1) You vetted others for years and never imagined you’d settle down.

2) The impossible number of variables in the relationship creates mystery.

3) The situation became permanent after about three months, though you don’t remember the moment it happened.

4) No relationship thrills or irritates you as much as this one.

5) Moments of emotional escalation usually begin with wet towels or pet vomit.

6) There are no opposing views on politics or religion, but finances can be a wedge issue.

7) In fairness, efforts do occur to fulfill lofty claims about responsiveness to your needs.

8) Neither of you functions well if the remote gets lost.

9) Physical interventions often take place to stop your snoring.

10) When people ask how you got together, they sometimes seem jealous or baffled.

11) You worry less about dying alone and more that the precious will malfunction.

12) You really can’t count on success with the same old routine in bed every time.

13) You underestimate how challenging it is to be apart when you travel.

14) Common problems over time include excessive noise and inexplicable deflation. Sometimes, the impressions last forever.

15) New models seem attractive, but you suspect they’re over-hyped.

16) Whenever you hear groaning or whining, you think how you’re with a bag of warm air.

17) Nothing shakes it — not even different positions with children.

18) Functions best if there are electrical outlets within five feet.

19) About once a month, you receive an email during the workday that suggests the relationship is going significantly better or worse than you thought.

20) It is reassuring and unsettling to have your health monitored.

21) Sometimes you astral project into a younger version of yourself, hover over the bed, and gaze down at yourself, like, I can’t believe I have one of these.

22) In the relationship’s finest moments, it takes heat, relieves pressure, senses your needs, stretches and conforms to gently support you.

23) In its worst, it’s all over your ass and responds too automatically.

24) There are upgrade options, such as decorative legs.

25) You’d do it all again in a heartbeat.

Key:

Both: #1–23 & #25

Sleep Number 360 Smart Bed: #24