“Don’t Say ‘Gay,’ Say ‘Fastidious'”

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis signed a bill into law on Monday that forbids instruction on sexual orientation and gender identity in kindergarten through third grade…

LGBTQ advocates, students, Democrats, the entertainment industry and the White House have dubbed the measure the “Don’t Say Gay” law.

The law states: “Classroom instruction by school personnel or third parties on sexual orientation or gender identity may not occur in kindergarten through grade 3 or in a manner that is not age appropriate or developmentally appropriate for students in accordance with state standards.” Parents would be able to sue districts over violations.

Associated Press, March 28th, 2022

Good morning, children. As your forty-seven-year-old—thoroughly over it—second grade teacher, here at Palm Beach Gardens Elementary, obviously I continue to be confronted with questions regarding your classmate, Wesley, and his two daddies. Not five minutes ago, just as I was about to take attendance, our sweet, innocent Chloe asked me, “Mister Jonathan, why does Wesley have two daddies and why are they both so much more handsome than other daddies and why do they both have thirty-two-inch waists and threaded, perfectly angled eyebrows, which daddies aren’t supposed to have?” I said, “Chloe, Wesley’s family is exactly like yours—with better furniture.” Now, children, I want all of you to understand that a child with two daddies is as fortunate as a child who goes home to a mommy and a daddy and a stain-resistant sectional sofa. Having two daddies is the same as having a mommy and a daddy, except that both parents exfoliate and moisturize, and both parents use an eye cream infused with goji berry extract—which reduces puffiness and sounds glamorous and au courant—and both parents list their esthetician as their primary care doctor. 

So… to explain why some daddies prefer living with other daddies, as opposed to mommies, I’ll refrain from using inappropriate words, like “love,” “attraction,” “pride,” and “étagère,” or unsuitable terms, like “civil rights,” “marriage equality,” “size queen,” and “power bottom.” You see, children, the reason why a daddy chooses to live with another daddy and not a mommy is because most mommies are incapable of watching a YouTube clip of Betty Buckley performing “And Eve Was Weak” from the musical flop Carrie over and over again, finally exclaiming: “Betty wins! I mean, I adore Patti, of course, but Betty wins! Did she hit an E or an E-flat on ‘Amen’? I don’t care. I mean, of course, I care, but I really don’t because that was utter, indisputable brilliance!”

By the way, when I say, simply, “Patti,” I’m referring to legendary two-time Tony Award winner Patti LuPone. But please forgive me, children, as I’m not entirely sure if I’m allowed to say “LuPone,” if that particular surname is age appropriate. Am I inviting a lawsuit? Republicans were unclear, so kindly refrain from telling your parents I said “LuPone.” I apologize. This is all still new, slightly challenging.

How can I better explain Wesley’s two daddies? …Do you all remember for show-and-tell when Theo brought in his daddy’s baseball, signed by Darryl Strawberry, and Wesley brought in his daddy’s baseball, signed by Bebe Neuwirth while she was starring in the revival of Damn Yankees? Well… some daddies are captivated by sports and buffets, while other daddies cannot consider a modern historical event without wondering: “Who was playing Mama Rose at the time?”

And when a daddy gives a mommy a gift for her birthday or for their anniversary, it might be a bottle of the eau de parfum she’s fond of—though she still has five unopened bottles from previous birthdays and anniversaries—or maybe he’ll surprise her with a piece of highly questionable jewelry from Judith Ripka, or God forbid the quilted Eleanor Bag, courtesy of Tory Burch, with that garish brass logo, which announces to the world: “I can’t afford Chanel!” But when a daddy gives another daddy a gift for his birthday or their anniversary, it might be an Etro silk jacquard scarf with a matching BMW convertible, or maybe he’ll surprise him with a lighted pedestal vitrine containing one of the large fake moles worn by Donna Murphy during a performance of the original Broadway production of Passion, allegedly acquired privately through Sotheby’s—any and all of which is in addition to a threesome, as one would expect.  

And just as daddies and mommies provide each other with emotional support, two daddies are there for each other, dispensing friendship, compassion, and tonsorial analysis. Sometimes one daddy will comfort another daddy after a bad dream. I myself recently had a horrific nightmare: I was caught in the rain, without an umbrella, in the middle of the Gucci Courtyard off Worth Avenue, wearing a linen suit and suede espadrilles, and every door I attempted to open was locked. I woke up screaming—and there was no hot, hairy, beefy daddy to comfort me. Only my indifferent Cairn Terrier, Addison DeWitt.  

I think that’s enough of that for today, children. Tomorrow we’ll discuss why Katie has two mommies, and you’ll learn about ponchos, Bryn Mawr, Ani DiFranco, and why their cat is named Mrs. Danvers.  

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