You’re 200 times hotter in person
I know you feel the same about me haha
Because like for the record
I am super fucking hot
If you get too close, I will scorch you
Fuuuucccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Like the actual literal fucking sun!
To get you hot
I may not even need a microwave

When I saw you in an Instagram ad targeted at horny middle-aged men
I thought, Jesus
I may need to see what’s inside that pocket
Like cheese but are there also veggies or zesty pepperoni
And I wondered something
Does a Hot Pocket have a booty?

So I went to the store and picked you up
Allegedly
You know I’m going to deny it got physical lol
Hypothetically I took you to a hotel
Couldn’t fucking wait to get you unwrapped
You were so cold, you burned
I liked it even though it gave me serious frostbite
And I lost one finger

When we got back from the hospital
You were so wet
Because you’d been out of the freezer
All I wanted was to get you steamy
I put you in the microwave
For three minutes
Because I would do anything for your pocket
Like follow microwave time instructions

I got you hot, so fucking hot
Holy fucking fuck you were hot
For a second, I thought, damn
We’ll need another hospital trip
But then I opened you up
Your cheese and sauce and little meatballs
Spilled out all over the plate
With that fucking delicious jiggle
And like my brains exploded
All over the hotel stationery

Ok now I have a question for you
Completely 1000% serious
Like my face is as straight
As all my music
Just tell me if you’re ok with this
If it’s all right
Can I eat you?