How To Date A Septuagenarian

by Kathleen Williams

Dating at any age has its pros and cons, pleasures and calamities, passions and convulsions. But dating at seventy brings with it vast regions of unexplored territory, few guidebooks, and absolutely no roadside assistance. You’re on your own, my friend. But don’t let that stop you from seeking out the love of your life once you hit that mile marker of 70. So, gas up, check your tire and blood pressure, and get on the dating road.

The good news is that you probably won’t be arrested for bringing your date across state lines. But the bad news is, with every passing year, the number of dating prospects melts faster than a snow cone in a fire pit.

So, you’ve invited that special him or her on a first date. Good for you! Here are a few activities to avoid. Skateboarding. Tightrope walking. Sky Diving, Kickboxing, or any other of those dangerous sports ending in “ing”.

To impress your date on your first outing, consider foregoing the flowers and candy routine and substitute instead your latest 401k report or a note from your pastor indicating you have no recent arrests for stalking, assault, arson, or impersonating a law enforcement officer.

Here’s a first date checklist for you:

  • All activities should be planned in close proximity to easily accessible restrooms.
  • Never tell your date that you have to go to the little boys room or the little girls room. Big people pee all the time.
  • Keep your first date short. You never know when you or your date will suddenly need a power nap.
  • Do not wear camouflage or carry a weapon, and that goes for you guys as well.
  • Don’t use current slang terms right off the rip no matter how tempting they sound. Don’t tell your date that they are sic, dope, or fly. Even if they are sic, dope, or fly. Don’t describe yourself as chill, break, or dead. Even if you are chill, break, or dead. You don’t want to come off all cheugy, TBH. They might just ghost you.

Hopefully, things are going well and your first date has turned into a string of happy encounters leading up to intimacy. Assuming you have survived your first intimate experience with no late night calls to 911, here are a few more tips.

  • Upon waking first thing in the morning, replace all loosened dental appliances quickly and without comment. Nobody wants to see a big gap in what was a beautiful smile the night before.
  • I recommend studying the different varieties of men’s and women’s hair pieces in advance so that they can be sorted out quickly and returned to their proper owners without unnecessary discussion.
  • Offer to share the laundry or drycleaning expenses for any bed linens or garments showing excessive wear and tear or unusual stains.
  • Morning conversations should be light and cheery. Don’t talk about your latest colonoscopy, adverse reactions to medications, or your last visit to the podiatrist to have your toenails clipped.

And here is the most important thing to remember. Um…give me a second here. It will come back to me. It was right on the tip of my tongue. Anyway…your love is waiting – go find them.

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