Welcome To The Ridesharing “Basic” DOG DRIVER App!

We love dogs. Which is why we hire them!

We do robust background checks on all our dog drivers, so rest assured you are in good paws.

Some of our dogs are new to driving. Therefore, please make allowances for biting or pee-pee accidents.

As dog paws don’t always reach the pedals, we have a fleet of state-of-the-art, custom-built cars, with adjustable seating for every dog breed.

Don’t worry, the cars are self-driving (and carefully monitored), with your dog driver at the wheel. Granted, our cars often break down, especially at high speeds.    

Upon requesting a ride, our DOG DRIVER app sends your request to nearby dog drivers, who will probably ignore it. Fortunately, we won’t!

You have the option to choose your dog breed. For those with allergies, we’re sorry. There are no poodles or Labradoodles in our employ, although we are looking.  

Requesting a Chihuahua could pose a problem. While they’re super-cute, remarkably focused drivers, their cars are better suited to transporting your little ones (or you, of course, should you be on the short side). For extra legroom or for a crowd, please choose a larger dog like Scooby Doo, an easygoing Great Dane. He drives a minivan. Do not do what one seven-foot, Frankenstein’s Monster lookalike passenger did, one Halloween, and scare Miss Tilly, an older Chihuahua, by attempting to squeeze into her three-foot high Mini!

Our most competent driver (and that’s not saying much) is retired police canine Officer Max—a German Shepherd. He drives an SUV. He’s suspicious, by nature, a stickler for rules, and is always on high alert. Criminal tendencies? Illegal drugs? Officer Max will sniff you out. So, make no false moves!

Please wear a mask. To you, the pandemic may be over but not to our dogs. Apart from your icky germs, seeing your face could trigger an attack—especially from Officer Max.

Dogs like treats, so please carry some. If you offer them no treats, you may not reach your destination on time.

If you’re hoping to catch an international flight, plan to add several hours to your trip. Dogs love sniffing things. Anything that takes their fancy, say a fire hydrant, a tree, or a cute Pomeranian, they screech to a halt. The same goes for “potty” breaks. Therefore, be prepared for sudden stops, every few feet or so.

During one of these stops, your driver may get into a fight with said cute Pomeranian. Do NOT get involved! Stay in the backseat. Check your phone. Send a few texts. Worry about getting to the airport on time. RELAX. Unless your driver has forgotten to depress the brake pedal, and the car is rolling down the street.

Do NOT start a fight with your dog driver. And NEVER with Officer Max! He WILL take you down!  

Should you not wish to chat, preferring “quiet time,” we’re sorry. The “Quiet Preferred” feature is not available on our “Basic” DOG DRIVER app. Our dogs get nervous, especially when driving–and whine and bark constantly. Moreover, if they see another dog driving by, in a DOG DRIVER vehicle, they’ll act like an ‘80s New York cabbie, hang their heads out the window, and dissolve into a barking frenzy of “HI THERE!” or “FUCK YOU!”

The ”Quiet Preferred” feature is available, however, on our “Premium Comfort” DOG DRIVER app, which has higher-rated, more experienced, and “chauffeur uniformed” dog drivers.

If you ARE in the mood to chat, might we suggest Buddy, a friendly yellow Lab? He will bark your ear off! He LOVES people—and loves slobbering all over them (as well as his privates). If you have somewhere to go in a hurry, he’s your dog, as he can be quite manic, and LOVES to drive fast.  

If you choose Buddy (or ANY of our dogs), avoid eating anything meat-related, such as a juicy burger. This will only distract him. He will keep looking in his rearview mirror at you, with his sad, sad eyes. Drooling and whining, and indulging in lip-smacking.

If Buddy seems too focused on your juicy burger, and you’re worried he might crash—given he’s now probably merged onto a busy freeway, and is currently doing 80—stay calm, offer encouragement, shout: “You’re a good boy, Buddy. Who’s a good boy? Who’s a VERY good boy? YES, YOU ARE!” Should this not work, demand he take the next exit, insist he gets out of the car, lift him onto the backseat, feed him the rest of your juicy burger, and, assuming the self-driving function is still working (highly unlikely), drive yourself to the airport.

Should you decide after this, you’re more of a cat person, we’re sorry. Our CAT DRIVER app is currently unavailable, as we’re having a slight problem training our cats.   

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