WE HAVE RECEIVED YOUR ORDER
As you can imagine we are jumping for joy. Thank you so much for this obviously impulsive 2 AM online purchase of a half-pound of our incredible artisanal cheese @ $89. Your delicious prize will shortly begin its exciting cross-country journey. The adorable little 8 oz. morsel will be carefully packed with raffia, bubble wrap, four packs of dry ice, and a fine sprinkling of fairy dust, in a box big enough for a major appliance. If you’re already regretting your locally sourced, ultra-pasteurized splurge, rest assured that feeling will pass.
YOUR ORDER HAS BEEN PROCESSED, AND WILL BE SHIPPING OUT VERY SOON
We know you planned to serve your very special cheese at your holiday open house, but alas, the crush of Christmas orders has left us scrambling. Just in case it doesn’t arrive on time, we encourage you to make the best of it. Set out a tray of Velveeta and Ritz crackers, and slowly back away as your tacky neighbors descend on your cheap spread like a horde of ravening beasts.
YOUR ORDER HAS SHIPPED
Our apologies that you didn’t get your cheese in time for your daughter’s March wedding reception. Estimated arrival now no later than mid-late May (perhaps in time to coincide with the discovery that you are allergic to whey).
YOUR CHEESE LOVES TO TRAVEL
In the eight months since your order, it has aged to perfection as it slowly meandered across this great land of ours. In fact, you could say it has gained value from this unforeseen delay, but–good news! We will not increase the price. You’re still out only 89 bucks.
WE HATE TO SAY IT, BUT ONCE AGAIN YOUR PACKAGE HAS HIT A SNAG
This time it was an overturned UPS truck along Highway 80 just outside of Cleveland. We don’t yet know if your personal cheese was among those squashed by that semi, but if it was, driver Joe McCullough will scrape it off the asphalt and bring it to you WITH a 10% credit good towards a future purchase. Will keep you updated.
PS You’ll be relieved to know that Joe was miraculously not injured in the accident. An important reminder that life can end in a twinkling, and you can’t take a cheese board to the grave.
THE MAGIC DAY HAS DAWNED
Your package has departed your local UPS facility and is out for delivery. Look for it to be deposited on your doorstep sometime between 5:45 AM and 11:45 PM. Remember to refrigerate it immediately, especially during this August heat wave. If you won’t be home at any time during the next 19 hours, we will need to reschedule delivery, so we recommend calling in sick to work.
STRIKE UP THE BAND
Your cheese has been delivered to 122 Main St. We know you’ll love it! Be sure to tell all your cheesy friends. If 10 of them order by the end of today, you’ll share a 5% off coupon on your next purchase.
WE WERE SO SORRY TO LEARN THAT YOUR FABULOUS CHEESE NEVER REACHED YOU
We’re not sure where we got that address, and frankly Joe was a bit hesitant to drop it off there at Hillsdale Cemetery. But he’s made stranger deliveries. Btw, we stopped producing the Mini-Wheel of Quintuple-Crème Brie you ordered last year, but we will gladly substitute another one of our fine fromages of equal or lesser value.
PLEASE LET US KNOW HOW TO PROCEED
Ah-ha! Now I know what happened to my own disappearing cheese order! (Clever!)