FW: Bad Memo From Management

To: All Employees

From: Management 

Re: Updated Policy Updates and Revising of Policy Revisions

The Committee on Policy and Synergistic Visioneering has returned from their annual Planning for Tomorrow’s Future Strategy retreat, and several new corporate policies will be implemented. The changes are listed in the Online Employee Handbook under the section Latest Updated Implementation Procedures for Revised Corporate Policy Changes, and are also listed below:

– The Strategic Goals and Goal Setting Strategies Committee is implementing a new goal setting policy – All employees are required to use the terms “goals” and “goal setting” in internal communications 40% more than the previous year. If you are unsure what your percentage use of the terms “goals” and “goal setting” was last year, contact the Help Desk.

– The Monitoring Information Creates Reliable Output (MICRO) Management Committee is now requiring all employees to submit their Daily, Weekly, and Monthly Activity Reports to all members of Team Management – Goals, Team Management – Results, Team Management – Reporting, and Team Management – Management. All of those management teams will send summaries of their findings to members of Team Management – Summaries, who will summarize the summaries, and send a summary of their findings to each employee for their verification and summary.

– The Office Supply and Usage Committee has implemented the following cost saving measures:

     1. All ten key calculators will be phased out during the coming fiscal year. They will be replaced with seven key calculators, which will result in a 30% annual savings in calculator expenses.

     2.  Due to the rising cost of steel, employees will only be allowed to staple three items per week. If an employee needs to staple more than three items per week, they will need to access the Online Staple Override Tracker, which is located within the Online Employee Handbook under the Stapler Resources tab. Employees will need to enter their full legal name, employee number, desk location, phone extension, and their supervisor’s name and phone extension. After the three step verification process, employees will enter the reason for the stapler usage override request. All Staple Override Requests will be reviewed by the Office Supply and Usage Committee. After consideration, employees can expect to hear the results of their request within a week. Savings from this policy are expected to save the company upwards of $17.95 per year. 

     3. Company will no longer provide Liquid Paper or pencils with erasers in the office. This is projected to decrease work product errors by 75% per month and save the company $500,000 per year. 

– The Employee Review and Evaluation Standards Committee is implementing new standards for employee self evaluations. In the past, employees have been able to evaluate themselves as “excellent” as the highest grade in all categories. Moving forward, the highest grade an employee may give themselves is a grade of “good.” The Committee believes this change will motivate employees to work harder in order to achieve an “excellent” score, despite it no longer being attainable. 

– The Employee Morale and Team Building Together Committee has changed the name of The Employee Break Room to The Employee Cantina, and management will provide two whimsical sombreros that can be shared by all employees and worn only in The Cantina. As a reminder, wearing sombreros in employee work areas is against the company dress code and can result in punishment up to and including termination. Tuesdays are Taco Tuesdays in The Cantina! Management will not supply tacos for Taco Tuesdays. 

– The Vehicular Safety and Parking Committee has heard your complaints about the lack of parking in our parking lot, and is excited to announce our new Employee Parking Lot. Directions to the new lot are simple – exit the current parking lot and drive three blocks north to the gravel lot behind the pawn shop and directly adjacent to the dumpsters. The parking lot next to our building is reserved for management, visitors, other building tenants, delivery vehicles, food trucks, bicycles, unicycles, and overflow parking for the pawn shop. For your safety, if you park in the lot next to our building, your car will be towed.

– The Employee Fitness, Wellness, Movement, and Exercise Committee announces the new Keep It Moving Club! The company recognizes that exercise in the workplace can increase productivity and lead to better overall health, and the new club promises to “keep you moving.” Employees will meet daily at 4:00pm outside the first floor conference room. Once gathered, each employee will take a piece of furniture from the first floor conference room and move it to the twelfth floor conference room. Next, employees will move furniture from the twelfth floor conference room to the first floor conference room. You’ll feel the benefits of exercise immediately! Participation in the Keep It Moving Club is mandatory. 

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