Attention MartyMart Shoppers: Please don’t feed the bear at the checkout counter. He’s angry.

I’ve gotten a few questions about why we have an angry bear at the checkout counter and it’s because no one wants to work anymore.

My employees quit when I increased their hours and reduced their pay. The check at the end of the week was the same, but they said it wasn’t fair.

I say they’re lazy.

Barry—that’s the bear—is angry, but not because of the work. He’s at the checkout counter from opening until closing, seven days a week. He gets two buckets of fish guts and moldy strawberries each day. That’s more than fair.

Personally, I think Barry is thriving. The fish guts give his coat a luster.

Some have asked why we don’t just use self checkout, like the Dollar Store and the Two Dollar Store. Because people in this town are dishonest. You were robbing me blind.

Since bringing Barry on board, theft is down 30%, except for porridge and honey. Some of you ungrateful bastards still steal porridge and honey, but, despite those losses, Barry is better than self-checkout.

A few have asked why the bear chained to the cash register is angry. Isn’t it obvious? It’s because this country puts so many restrictions on small business owners like myself. Between the taxes and all the red tape, it’s a wonder I can afford to heat my Olympic-sized outdoor pool during the winter.

Some have complained about being mauled during checkout. I’m sorry you got mauled, but I’ve been getting mauled by this economy for three years now.

We’ve taken every reasonable precaution to make your shopping experience as free from bear-mauling as possible:

• There is a sign that clearly says, “WARNING: ANGRY BEAR”
• All of our shopping baskets use bear-grade stainless steel
• We have bear spray for sale in the checkout lane, right between the M&Ms and the KitKats

If you get mauled after all that, you probably did something stupid like offer Barry an M&M. He fucking hates M&Ms.

One or two have asked if this is the same bear from the movie Cocaine Bear. Don’t be ridiculous. Barry is a true patriot who works for a living, and wants nothing to do with liberal, woke Hollywood. You may as well accuse him of being one of those gay socialists demanding that American business owners give all their profits to inner-city homeless to fund the crime wave destroying the country.

But Barry definitely takes cocaine. Like me, he needs a little bump every once in a while. There’s nothing wrong with a little nose candy.

Because no one in this town will work, MartyMart would close without a bear at the checkout counter. Where’re you going to go for your vodka and vape cartridges then? Dollar Store doesn’t have a liquor license and Two Dollar Store only has the counterfeit vapes that explode in your pocket and singe your junk.

It’s not like I want an angry bear at the checkout counter. Show me someone who’s willing to work 98 hours a week for fish guts and moldy strawberries, and I’ll hire them on the spot.

In fact, if you really think you can do a better job than Barry, head down to Human Resources and talk to the feral pig. The little porker can’t actually give you a job, but I think a talking pig is fucking cool, feral or otherwise.

If you want, just dump some product and I’ll be like, “Spill in aisle nine? Hey Porker the Pig, quit all the talking and go slop up that mess.”

I’ve heard what people say about me, that I’m the richest person in town because I’m too cheap to pay a living wage. Last I checked, this was still America, where employing wild animals to drive down wages was perfectly legal.

I told the dentist across the street to fire Phyllis the hygienist and get some trained pigeons in there to pick food scraps from your gum line. At least the pigeons won’t bore you to death about their stupid kid’s drama about not making the flag team.

Overall, I think a bear at the checkout counter is a reasonable compromise. If you don’t like it, you can lodge a complaint with Milo, the myopic mongoose in Customer Service. But hey, don’t go waving hello or goodbye because Milo carries a Glock 17, and this is a stand-your-ground state; those waving arms can look a little cobra-like.

So if you want to keep enjoying rock-bottom prices on vodka and vape cartridges, then please don’t feed the bear at the checkout counter. I’m all out of tranquilizer darts. And cocaine.