Welcome to Lush! Come on in! Take care of yourself! You deserve it! Self care!
Self care! Spend your paycheck! Your whole paycheck! Get a second job, maybe at the pizza place where you worked in high school even though you have a master’s degree and swore you were done working in the service industry – and spend that paycheck here too!
Self care! Take a bath! And then sign up for a twelve-month-package of hot yoga classes you can’t afford! Never go to them! Hit the snooze button for hours instead! Feel beautiful! Buy a whole new wardrobe! Never drink water again! Fill a Camelbak with rosé & wear it with a Korean sheet mask while wandering the streets of Brooklyn yelling “I’m fine!”
Self care! We have a bar of soap here called Honey I Washed the Kids! So fun! Buy it! Buy twelve and give them to the girls you would have as bridesmaids if you were only a bride! Treat them! Treat yourself! Treat yourself to a fun reminder that you are single and your ovaries are shriveling up inside of you and you will probably never have a honey or any kids to wash! You don’t need this soap! But now you have twelve! This isn’t about me! It’s about you!
Self care! Buy a bath bomb! A mood-boosting bath bomb! Build a bomb! A real bomb! A mood-boosting real bomb! Just kidding, buy a bath bomb! Don’t build a bomb! Instead, take the escalators up past the food court & stop at Build-a-Bear! Build yourself a bear! A cute bear! Do that thing where you put a tiny heart inside of the bear before they sew it up! Whisper your deepest secrets to the heart! Tell the heart that you are not okay! Tell the heart what diseases you’re secretly afraid you have! Stand on the counter and tell everyone! Build a bear! Then bring it home and sleep with it every night! Tell your family that you have a boyfriend! The boyfriend is a bear!
Self care! Buy some shampoo! Buy some conditioner! Buy some body conditioner! That’s a thing we sell! Condition your body! Condition your mind! Condition yourself to be okay with the fact that all of your elementary school classmates are doctors and lawyers and you still live in a studio apartment! Eat your feelings! Eat your neighbors! Go gluten-free and see if the amount of time you spend talking about your new dietary restrictions affects your vocal chords! Nope! Your vocal chords are great! Sing Sondheim out loud on the walk home from the train! Sing Sondheim even louder in your apartment late at night! Knock on your neighbors’ doors and ask them to compliment your beautiful alto singing voice! You won high school theater awards! Tell them about the awards! Be specific!
Self care! Buy a mud mask! Buy a ski mask! Rob a bank!
Self care! Treat yourself to a sixteen-dollar bar of soap with rose petals in it! Those rose petals will get stuck in your drain and you’ll never actually buy one of those snake things so from now on whenever you shower, you’ll be standing in two inches of tepid water! Condition your feet! Treat yourself! Treat yourself to a bar of soap with a bunch of natural shit in it! Buy yourself shit! Take a shit in your living room!
Self care! Buy a bath bomb! Earlier I said to build a real bomb! Then I said I was kidding! I wasn’t kidding! Buy a bath bomb! And then build a real bomb! And then drive to your ex’s house! Bomb your ex! Live in the ruins! You’re a homeowner now! Self care!