Please rate your overall satisfaction with the quality of your democracy:
__ Very satisfied
__ Somewhat satisfied
__ No opinion
__ Somewhat dissatisfied
__ I reject the premise that this is a democracy.
How likely are you to recommend American democracy to a friend?
__ Very likely
__ Somewhat likely
__ Haven’t made any friends yet (recently relocated to Toronto)
__ Too depressed to keep in touch with anyone
__ [COMMUNAL INTERNAL SCREAMING]
How knowledgeable are your democratic representatives?
__ Very knowledgeable
__ Somewhat knowledgeable
__ I live in D.C./Puerto Rico, and/or I live in a gerrymandered district, and/or I’m a convicted felon, and/or I’m an undocumented immigrant, so I don’t have representation.
__ That one guy can’t pronounce “Ramirez.”
__ They’re sundowning during Senate Judiciary hearings and everyone acts like this is fine.
Do your representatives speak for the country as a whole?
__ Yes, America is a melting pot of orange billionaires and dudes who look like they fought in the Civil War (for the wrong side!).
__ Sure, when you get on Instagram, it’s mostly corn. #cornwatch
__ I try to not to leave the bubble.
__ That one guy lost by 3 million votes.
__ Can’t hear you over the cost of my birth control.
How easy is it for you to get in touch with your representatives?
__ They’re just a furious phone call away.
__ Starting to think Susan Collins isn’t reading my tweets.
__ I don’t speak Parseltongue.
__ They’re literally hiding from us in elevators and bathrooms.
__ (SELF-IMMOLATES ON STEPS OF U.S. CAPITOL)
How satisfied are you with the terms of your democracy?
__ Presidential term limits are a double-edged blade, but a necessary one.
__ Six years is a long time, but at least we can vote Senators out.
__ Wait, a LIFETIME appointment?
__ We don’t even vote for these creeps, and they sit on the Supreme Court for LIFE?
__ Fuck you.
How satisfied are you with the speed of your democracy?
__ Is it November yet?
__ Is it 2020 yet?
__ Am I dead yet?
__ Seriously, go fuck yourself.