Please rate your overall satisfaction with the quality of your democracy:

__ Very satisfied

__ Somewhat satisfied

__ No opinion

__ Somewhat dissatisfied

__ I reject the premise that this is a democracy.

How likely are you to recommend American democracy to a friend?

__ Very likely

__ Somewhat likely

__ Haven’t made any friends yet (recently relocated to Toronto)

__ Too depressed to keep in touch with anyone

__ [COMMUNAL INTERNAL SCREAMING]

How knowledgeable are your democratic representatives?

__ Very knowledgeable

__ Somewhat knowledgeable

__ I live in D.C./Puerto Rico, and/or I live in a gerrymandered district, and/or I’m a convicted felon, and/or I’m an undocumented immigrant, so I don’t have representation.

__ That one guy can’t pronounce “Ramirez.”

__ They’re sundowning during Senate Judiciary hearings and everyone acts like this is fine.

Do your representatives speak for the country as a whole?

__ Yes, America is a melting pot of orange billionaires and dudes who look like they fought in the Civil War (for the wrong side!).

__ Sure, when you get on Instagram, it’s mostly corn. #cornwatch

__ I try to not to leave the bubble.

__ That one guy lost by 3 million votes.

__ Can’t hear you over the cost of my birth control.

How easy is it for you to get in touch with your representatives?

__ They’re just a furious phone call away.

__ Starting to think Susan Collins isn’t reading my tweets.

__ I don’t speak Parseltongue.

__ They’re literally hiding from us in elevators and bathrooms.

__ (SELF-IMMOLATES ON STEPS OF U.S. CAPITOL)

How satisfied are you with the terms of your democracy?

__ Presidential term limits are a double-edged blade, but a necessary one.

__ Six years is a long time, but at least we can vote Senators out.

__ Wait, a LIFETIME appointment?

__ We don’t even vote for these creeps, and they sit on the Supreme Court for LIFE?

__ Fuck you.

How satisfied are you with the speed of your democracy?

__ Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

__ Is it November yet?

__ Is it 2020 yet?

__ Am I dead yet?

__ Seriously, go fuck yourself.