When Ariana Grande broke up with Pete Davidson, I thought I’d never get over it. Trust me, I was in a pretty dark place. I didn’t leave my house for days. I was too worried about seeing Pete or Ariana in public, without one another! That image would’ve killed me. What Pete and Ariana had was so beautiful and pure, I thought I could finally be happy. But no, Ariana had to go and break my heart into a million pieces. After all, If two rich and famous people like Pete Davidson and Ariana Grande couldn’t achieve everlasting happiness together, what chance do I have?
But alas, I’m slowly regaining my faith in the world now that Lieutenant Commander Dan Crenshaw and Pete Davidson are engaged. Are Lieutenant Commander Dan Crenshaw and Pete Davidson meant to be? I’m not totally sure, but I’m starting to think so. Hey, it’s already been three days, and the couple-to-be has only had one major fight, an activity that Pete and Ariana used to do every 5 hours. So who knows, maybe Lieutenant Commander Dan Crenshaw will be the one to truly love Pete for who he really is: a troubled, unstable narcissist (qualities which Ariana apparently couldn’t accept).
Is Lieutenant Commander Dan Crenshaw a cyclops? Well, technically yes. But that doesn’t mean he and Pete Davidson won’t be able to see eye-to-eye on what matters most – their undying love for each other. I have to admit, however, I was suspicious of Lieutenant Commander Dan Crenshaw at first. Lieutenant Commander Dan Crenshaw is a war hero, so naturally, I pegged him as being strategic and opportunistic. I suspected Lieutenant Commander Dan Crenshaw was taking advantage of Pete in his vulnerable state, but I now see Lieutenant Commander Dan Crenshaw was only trying to be there for Pete and lend him a helping hook, or I mean hand, sorry, I don’t know why I said that.
When Lieutenant Commander Dan Crenshaw appeared on Weekend Update, he used his time to present an insightful analogy comparing politics and veterans to the whole Pete and Ariana situation. His monologue gave me hope that Pete and Ariana can still remain friends even with Lieutenant Commander Dan Crenshaw and Pete Davidson’s newfound romance. Here is the unpacked version of the analogy Lieutenant Commander Dan Crenshaw used so elegantly on SNL, in case it went over your head.
“Okay, but seriously, there’s a lot of lessons to learn here (from the breakup). Not just that the left (#TeamArianaGrande) and right (#TeamPeteDavidson) can still agree on somethings but also this: Americans (Pete and Ariana fans) can forgive one another. We can remember what brings us together (celebrity love lives) as a country and still see the good (money, fame) in each other. This is Veteran’s Day weekend (two week anniversary since Pete and Ariana split) which means it’s a good time for every American (Pete and Ariana fan) to connect with a veteran (an ex of Pete or Ariana) and maybe say thanks for your service (dating either Pete or Ariana), but I would actually encourage you to say something else. Tell a veteran (an ex of Pete or Ariana) “Never Forget.” When you say “Never Forget” to a veteran (an ex of Pete or Ariana), you are implying that as an American (Pete or Ariana fan), you are in it with them, not separated by some imaginary barrier between civilians (Pete or Ariana fan) and veterans (an ex of Pete or Ariana) but connected together as grateful fellow Americans (Pete or Ariana fans) who will never forget the sacrifices made by veterans (exes of Pete or Ariana) past and present.”
So, to Ariana Grande, as Lieutenant Commander Dan Crenshaw recommended, I say thank you for your service, or rather, “Never Forget”. I say this because I want you to know I’m in this with you, every step of the way, no matter what. There was a time I thought you were the one (for Pete), and I’ll always respect you for that, but I can now see Pete belongs with Lieutenant Commander Dan Crenshaw.