Obituary for Your Willpower Not to Eat All of Your Recently Purchased Girl Scout Cookies in a Single Sitting

Photo by Lisa Fotios on

Today, 2019-Today, 2019

Your Willpower Not To Eat All of Your Recently Purchased Girl Scout Cookies in a Single Sitting died suddenly this afternoon on your futon during yet another binge-watching session of The Great British Baking Show. It passed away less than an hour after coming into contact with Chloe, the adorable gap-toothed Brownie Girl Scout selling cookies in front of Trader Joe’s. The cause of death was the fatal combination of a visit from Aunt Flo, who always encourages your chocolate craving, and your ability to indulge without fear of judgment, guaranteed by your roommate’s last-minute trip out of town. Your Willpower was alive at the time you drove home from Trader Joe’s. It survived even the longest of stoplights, which are the perfect length of time to pop in a Do-si-do, before succumbing to its fate soon after you arrived home. Though brief in lifespan, Your Willpower lived a life full of potential and satisfying visions of putting the Tagalongs and Samoas in the freezer behind the compost you never take out so that you could happily discover them later when cookie season is long over. Your Willpower was predeceased by Your Entire Paycheck, which Chloe, and by extension, the Girl Scouts of the USA, giddily took off your hands. Your Willpower is survived by a recently conceived food baby. Other mourners include the crowd of Thin Mints crumbs, an empty Thanks-A-Lot cookie box that seems to be taunting you, a sugar coma, a staunch refusal to refer to Samoas as “Caramel deLites”, a decision that Chloe’s gap-toothed smile is not so cute after all, and a promise to yourself that, assuming you can ever eat something again, that something will be green. It is also survived by a strong urge to nap. Finally, Your Willpower has left behind its estranged relative, Your Guilt. In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to Chloe’s Braces Fund, in the hopes that other Paychecks and People’s Willpower will not befall similarly tragic fates after encountering Chloe enthusiastically advertising “Yummy Girl Thcout cookieth!” Services to commemorate Your Willpower Not To Eat All of Your Recently Purchased Girl Scout Cookies in a Single Sitting will be held at your local Walgreens in the Tums aisle.

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