By Tiffany Quay Tyson
Look, I know you ladies have been dreaming of taking a turn in the Oval Office. Man, I get it! It’s my dream too. More importantly, it’s my time. I was just born to be in it!
I know it sounds like my policy proposals are pretty much the same as that lady candidate’s policy proposals and I know she entered the race before I did, but let me tell you what sets us apart—people will actually vote for me. You ladies, on the other hand, should be happy you are finally getting to compete at all. That’s huge! I remember a time when everyone thought ladies were too emotional to lead a corporation, much less a country. Now only a slight majority of people feel that way. You’ve come a long way, baby.
But you’re not going to win. How do I know? Because you’ve never won before. Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it, and if history tells us anything it’s that Americans are not ready to vote for a candidate with lady parts. I wish things were different, but they’re not. This election is too important for a novelty candidate. Maybe you can run in the future when I’ve fixed all our problems and nothing is at stake. Do you really want to deal with Kim Jong-un while struggling with PMS? I kid, of course. My wife says most of you are past the age where you need to deal with PMS, but that’s just the sort of complicated biology that makes you so hard to understand. Can I give you some advice? Keep it simple.
I know that in the past I’ve called ladies demeaning names and treated them like objects, but things were different then. It used to be totally cool to ask ladies to fetch coffee and to give them a quick side boob squeeze when they passed by the corporate offices. Times change! I’m sorry that ladies were made to feel bad about nonspecific things I may have said or done or failed to do, but I’m enlightened now. I promise to make space in my administration for ladies to talk about lady issues and do lady things, because I believe in giving ladies real responsibility. Just ask my wife. For years, I let her plan the meals and raise the children. What’s more important than that? Lots of things, of course, but what matters most is that she feels like she’s making a real contribution. When I’m elected I’m willing to help a lot of ladies feel like they are making a real contribution. And I hope you’ll make a real contribution to my campaign. We need the money!
Ladies, your time will probably come at some point in the future, but it’s my time now. Americans want a president who can bring radical change, someone who will fight against the corruption in Washington, someone who will turn this garbage fire into a bonfire. I am that candidate. I am a man who looks and talks and thinks exactly like almost every president we’ve ever elected and therefore I am the only one who can truly bring radical change to America. So step to the end of the line and wait your turn.
Now let’s have a hug.