The Hallmark Channel has released the two plots for their so-called “Hanukkah movies,” and not only are they just Christmas movies that feature Jewish characters but one of them seems to border on actually being anti-Semitic.

Distracify.com

 

As a Jewish chick and hardcore Hallmark fan gurl, I’d like to submit some Hanukkah Hallmark pitches that actually embrace the spirit of the holiday.

 

The 8 Dates of Hanukkah

When New York City lawyer Rebecca Goldstein returns home to her small town, her mother is eager to find her a man by the end of Hanukkah! Her mother Goldie sets her up with a new eligible Jew each night and Rebecca starts to learn the real meaning of the holiday of Lights! Things get complicated when one of the men is her old flame, Ezra, who works at a rival firm in New York and doesn’t believe that Hanukkah is the best holiday in the world! Can she teach him the meaning of Hanukkah in a hot way?

A Latke Love Affair

When a sexy, single latke maker, Samuel, prays to God for love this Hanukkah, he meets Sarah, a career gal, the next day at his store. The only problem is that Sarah is a former Jew turned atheist and has lost her love of Hanukkah along the way. Soon Samuel teaches Sarah the true meaning of latkes and even how to make gluten free latkes for the more stomach-lly challenged customers. Will Sarah abandon her career to watch Samuel make latkes slowly with suggestive music in the background?

The Gift of Gelt From a Hot Man

It’s the week of Hanukkah and chocolate gelt enthusiast Rachel needs to win the town chocolate making contest to prove “gelt is a thing.” Tensions arise when John, a local priest, enters the contest and says he is going to make the biggest chocolate cross the town has ever seen. Rachel is determined to beat John, but things grow even more complicated when she realizes how hot he is and how especially hot he would be eating gelt off her stomach, like a body shot gelt style.

The Dreidel Dumping

Leah is heartbroken when her high-powered Wall Street boyfriend, Joshua dumps her the day before Hanukkah with a hand painted dreidel that says “It’s over gurl” in Hebrew. She returns home to her unspecified small town to seek solace from her family and get into the spirit of her family’s favorite holiday, Hanukkah! But it seems Leah’s luck has changed, when she meets a mysterious man named Benjamin who is fluent in Hebrew and says he will help her send alarming messages on dreidels about her maybe being pregnant to her ex-boyfriend to get him to notice her!