Ten Ways Not To Be A Chump About Money This Holiday Season

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

by Nell Beram

  1. Quit coffee. Your husband, a coffee zealot, thinks that if you give up coffee, sure, you’ll save a few bucks, but you’ll also miss out on the opportunity to share a meaningful experience with him. Remind him that that’s what television is for.
  2. Dye your own hair. You may even convince your son-of-a-hairdresser husband to dye it for you. It will take a while to get him past his inclination to leave this sort of thing to the professionals, but pressuring him to stand by his punk rock DIY ethos (remember: he’s defensive about this) should do it.
  3. You’re not going to like this one: ditch the gym membership. You’ll save twofold: the price of the gym membership and the price of food, because if you don’t go to the gym you’ll have to eat less to lose the weight you’d be losing at the gym.
  4. Develop an irrational fear of driving. This will force you to walk everywhere, which saves on gas. Recall that there’s really nowhere you have to drive now that you’ve canceled your gym membership.
  5. Eat holiday leftovers cold. Just grab a fork and have at it. The food won’t taste as good, which means you will eat less, which is important now that you’ve canceled your gym membership.
  6. Also, skip dessert. Dessert is an asinine concept: who came up with the idea to eat more after you’re already full? Eat holiday cookies instead of a meal.
  7. Here’s a way to save money on stamps while burning calories—again, important since you insisted on canceling your gym membership: deliver local mail on foot. If you’re delivering a piece of mail to someone who lives in a locked apartment building, slide it under the door and walk away; once it’s past the threshold, the piece of mail is no longer your responsibility. If the recipient never receives it, that’s okay: you tried, and it was probably just a holiday card showing off your cute kids. There’s always next year’s card, and besides, everyone agrees that kids don’t change much in a year.
  8. Speaking of mail: Let’s say you do something idiotic, like mail last year’s holiday card to your out-of-state stepsister at her old address even though you knew she moved; you’re not sure what you were thinking. When the card gets returned to you, you could be a chump and forever out fifty-five cents after you’ve re-mailed it, or you could, over the next few days, pay particularly close attention to the floor around vending machines and the ground under parking meters until you’ve collected fifty-five cents. You will, and probably should, find this embarrassing—you’re a fool if you think that passersby aren’t onto you—but this is your penance for having mailed the card to the wrong address when you knew bloody well that your stepsister had moved.
  9. Don’t go on a holiday vacation. You have children, and there’s no such thing as a vacation with kids.
  10. Get a real job. True, you have chosen the writer’s life, the kind of poorly paid but meaningful work that gives you joy, but jeez: you never thought you’d be reduced to making a list of money-saving tips from the treadmill at your gym.

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