Even Better Czarships For Mike Pence

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On Wednesday, President Trump responded to calls to appoint a “Coronavirus Czar” by naming Vice President Mike Pence to lead America’s response to the growing pandemic. Critics say he’s not qualified given his lack of medical training or expertise, but I say he’s just more qualified for exciting new positions like these!

Coors Czar

First thing’s first: “Corona” Czar sounds way too spicy for Mike Pence. Let’s take a step back and appoint him to something more in line with his target demographic: Coors Czar, Coors Light Czar, or even Hidden Bottle of Vodka Behind The Radiator Czar.

Cancer Czar

Presidential candidate Joe Biden wants to fund a “moonshot” to cure cancer, but only Mike Pence knows that cancer is mostly a myth. That’s why he wrote an op-ed in 2000 dismissing the link between smoking and cancer, saying “smoking doesn’t kill.” As someone who will need to smoke a metric ton of weed to stay calm during this crisis I think that’s exactly the kind of magical thinking we need right now.

HIV Czar

As Governor of Indiana Mike Pence fought on the front lines of a deadly AIDS outbreak in his state, bravely shielding Indiana residents from rational thought, scientific consensus, and basic outbreak prevention measures. Sure it sounds bad, but you have to remember Pence was fighting for AIDS, so it was really a huge success!

Czar of SARS

The current Coronavirus has a lot in common with Sudden Acute Respiratory Syndrome, but more importantly “Czar of SARS” is just fun to say.

Czar of Cars

Now that the Trump Administration is threatening to hold New York City’s congestion pricing plan hostage it’s the perfect time to Mike Pence to step in and make sure our streets are as clogged as possible with private cars, ride shares, taxis, experimental autonomous vehicles, and more! In fact, let’s just scrap the sidewalks altogether.

Areola Czar

In 2014 Donald Trump criticized President Obama for appointing an Ebola Czar with “zero experience in infectious disease control,” and while Mike Pence also has zero experience preventing the spread of infectious disease (he’s more of a “spread the love” kind of guy), it’s not too late to double down and appoint the Vice President to something he’s even less qualified to handle: Nipple play.

Tsar of Russia

As a country famously inhospitable to the LGBTQ community, Mike Pence should feel right at home in Russia! As Tsar of the Motherland, Pence will finally have the opportunity to be openly hostile to gay citizens instead of being forced to slowly undermine their rights while pretending to accept them as human beings. As a bonus: If you shave his head Pence looks like knockoff Vladimir Putin!

Czar of Making Constipated Faces

Let’s be honest: This is the thing Mike Pence is most qualified to be in charge of.

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