I, [NAME], a resident of [BOROUGH], hereby certify that I am leaving my apartment/brownstone/co-op (circle one) to do the following and ONLY the following:
Circle all that apply
- To Purchase Groceries and/or Pick Up Prescriptions
- To Walk the Dog and/or Very Social Cat
- To Tend to the Community Garden and/or Refill Growler at Local Craft Brewery
- To Seek Medical Treatment and/or Marijuana
- OR: I Certify That I Am Required to Travel For My Job and/or Grindr Hook Up
My destination is limited to the following neighborhood:
Circle one based on income bracket
- Whichever Neighborhood Has the Nearest Foodtown
- Whichever Neighborhood Has the Nearest Trader Joe’s
- Whichever Neighborhood Has the Nearest Whole Foods
- Whichever Neighborhood Has the Nearest Hampton Jitney
- Whichever Neighborhood Has the Nearest Helipad
In order to prevent and track community spread, I will document any and all modes of travel, including:
Circle all that apply
- Walking
- MTA Bus (indicate route)
- MTA Subway (indicate line)
- CitiBike (indicate whether you licked the handlebars)
- Uber/Lyft/Taxi (indicate whether you racially profiled the driver when he coughed)
In addition to all of the above, I hereby assert that I am healthy enough to leave the home and have taken my temperature either with a digital thermometer or by asking a stranger to touch my forehead.
By signing this document I agree to self-report any symptoms, including but not limited to:
Circle all that apply
- Dry Cough
- Wet Cough
- Moist Cough
- Oh, This Cough? I Always Have This Cough
If I am under the age of 18 this document serves as parental certification that I have completed at least 5 tabs of remote learning and/or Twitch streams before leaving the house.
As a reward I have given permission for the following activity:
Parent/Guardian: Circle and initial only ONE per day
- Just Chillin
- Makin Tik Toks
- Subway Dance Practice
- Doing Those Drugs From HBO’s Euphoria
- Anything That Gives Mommy and/or Daddy Some Alone Time
IMPORTANT: If I develop COVID-19 symptoms while in public I give emergency responders permission to take me to:
Circle one based on health coverage
- The nearest hospital best equipped to treat me
- The nearest in-network hospital least likely to gouge me with surprise fees
- The nearest City MD but only if I have enough cash to cover the co-pay
- The nearest Walgreens so I can ask the pharmacist if Wal-Tussin cures coronavirus
- The nearest Canadian border crossing
SIGN HERE:
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Friendly Reminder: The NYPD may stop you and frisk your person for this form at any time (unless you’re white).
[…] Friendly Reminder: The NYPD may stop you and frisk your person for this form at any time (unless you’re white). Read the whole form at Little Old Lady Comedy: This Is The Form New Yorkers Will Need To Leave Their Homes During COVID-19 […]
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