Monopolize the conversation.

-This works especially well when you are already a douchebag. Quarantine hasn’t changed you a bit!

Text the entire time.

-Don’t give your friends your undivided attention. Zoom should be as similar to real life as possible, so please, don’t bother making virtual eye contact.

Bring the mood down.

-Make sure to mention your quarantine related depression throughout. Do NOT crack a smile or make a joke. You don’t want to lie to your friends about how you’re feeling.

Eat a messy meal. 

-Zoom call with your college buds? Time for a sloppy joe. Make sure you’re unmuted so that you remain on speaker view as you chew.

Refuse to speak. 

-Nothing better than giving the Zoom silent treatment. This will have your friends questioning why they invited you in the first place.

Make your background a picture of yourself.

-Nothing says, “I’m happy to be with other people,” more than a inexplicably large photo of yourself…behind yourself.

Wear a wedding gown.

-Nothing will grab your fellow zoomer’s attention like wearing a fabulous wedding dress. Are you getting married? No. Do you have a fiance? No. Are you on the verge of a quarantine breakdown? Yes.

Suggest Group Sex.

-This is bound to make things interesting.

Attend naked.

-Times are hard and you deserve to be yourself!