Woodrow “Asshole” Wilson

I’m sure this four-eyed fucking asshole thought he wasn’t going to be on my asshole list. You definitely have to be an asshole to segregate shit, but it takes a really special kind of asshole to Re-segregate anything. This is exactly what this asshole did when he “Re-segregated” the armed forces. Rest assured, that If there is a heaven, and I find myself there and see this stupid asshole at the pool, or the buffet, I’ll be sure to punch him in his asshole balls.

Andrew Johnson Asshole

Asshole number two is the asshole who is responsible for the freed slaves NOT getting their promised “40 acres and a mule.” Yup! It’s seriously all this asshole’s fault. It’s amazing what one little asshole can do. After his not asshole boss got his brains blown out, by another, more notorious, asshole, Andrew Asshole set about undoing all the un-asshole policies, Honest Abe had set in motion. Wouldn’t it have been great If this asshole’s asshole head been in the way of that actor asshole’s bullet? That would’ve taken care of two assholes with one asshole stone!

Eli “I’m just a silly inventor asshole” Whitney

Some people think you can either be a nerd or an asshole, but this asshole proves you can be both. This fucking, stupid, nerd asshole’s invention, the asshole Gin, basically breathed a second life into the cotton industry, and thus slavery. Thanks for nothing, asshole!

Nathan Bedford Asshole

Where do I even begin with this asshole? Seriously, this guy has a pristine asshole pedigree. He really wore his assholes on his sleeves. 

This asshole confederate and his asshole horse fought in the civil war, where he presided over the Fort Pillow fucking massacre of mostly black Union troops. As if that wasn’t enough assholeness for one lifetime, this asshole then went and founded the KKK or as I like to call it the AASA (Asshole Association of Stupid Assholes). This guy’s asshole roots run so deep that before the war he made his asshole living as a literal slave salesman, maybe the number one asshole job in history.

Bartolemé de las Assholes

The only thing worse than an asshole is an asshole who doesn’t recognize what an asshole they are. That’s what happened with Bart de Las Casas. This guy was a sworn brother of the Catholic Church, aka the Society of assholes, and thought, correctly, that enslaving the Indians was wrong, but then had the bright asshole idea that Africans should be imported in their place. Here’s the scary thing about assholes. They are chock full of asshole ideas.