How To Write A Realistic Microwave In Your Novel, You Luddite Hack

by Jackson Weaver

So, you’ve written a novel. You fool. You’ve done all this hard work and all you’ve accomplished is forcing your misunderstandings of the fundamentals of microwave technology on any poor soul willing to take a chance on your book. You have completely embarrassed yourself by exposing the fact you’ve probably never used a microwave in your sad and lonely life. You were a microwave away from literary perfection, and you decided to throw it all away. But do not fret, your errors are recoverable. Here are a few examples of people writing microwaves terribly and how to avoid being ignorant like them.

“It had been so long since she had been with a man, just the soft hum of the microwave got her going.”

Every single microwave I have owned (17, thanks for asking) has been obnoxiously loud and nowhere near a “soft hum.” The shrill whirring of a microwave penetrates every wall in my house, and like the Shofar in Judaism, it is often used as a call to assembly. This small, yet important, detail ruins the believability of the scene.

“The cold air may have made her nipples stand erect like itty bitty penises, but he made her feel warm on the inside, like a pepperoni Hot Pocket, fresh out of the microwave.”

There is not a microwave on this planet that is powerful enough to heat a Hot Pocket to the point its insides can be considered “warm.” Physically, it is impossible, I checked. The electromagnetic waves cannot penetrate the flaky crust to properly thaw pepperoni-filled center. Their story exited the realm of possibility as soon as they disregarded the laws of physics.

“Michelle spun around like a plate in the microwave to show off her voluptuous butt that only a mutant with three arms could handle.”

What is this, 1997? Microwave technology has transcended the spinning plate; we are in the era of stationary plate, spinning microwave. Do your research, you troglodyte.

“He was the kind of hot that made turning women on as easy as pressing a microwave button. They were his Cup of Noodles; they were his frozen pork chops that he was supposed to take out of the freezer an hour ago but forgot and quickly needed to defrost.”

As easy as pressing a microwave button!? The buttons for boiling a Cup of Noodles and defrosting meat are completely different and require an intimate understanding of the nuances of your appliance. What power are you going to use? What defrost level? How much water in your cup? What is the angular momentum of the spinning microwave’s pulley system?

Does that sound simple? Didn’t think so. You forgot to respect the microwave, so no one will respect you.

“Her legs glistened in the moonlight, just like Daewoo Retro Microwave Oven on her counter, and her toes looked like the tater tots John was going to heat up later in his Daewoo Retro Microwave Oven.”

Okay, Harry Potter. There is so much wrong with this quote, I might as well assume that this book is YA bildungsroman fantasy. First of all, the Daewoo Retro Microwave Oven doesn’t even have shine or reflect light in a special way, the coating was designed specifically to prevent that. That’s why Daewoo became the industry standard for outdoor summertime microwaves.

Secondly, the Daewoo Retro line was discontinued last year for its inferior technology and dull look. Why would you compare a woman to that and not a Samsung Stainless Steel Countertop Microwave and PowerGrill or the Amana Commercial XpressChef 3i MRX2 Black High-Speed Countertop Over? You’re basically just insulting the woman.

Lastly, the microwave was on her counter, but he was going to heat up tater tots in his microwave? So they both own a Daewoo Retro Microwave Oven? Must be an insane coincidence. OR IS IT AN INCREDIBLE WRITING FAILURE?

“He traced her curves, going over her like she was a grocery store pear and he was looking for rough spots. She immediately melted in his arms like plastic in a microwave.”

Everyone knows you cannot put plastic in a microwave because it will release harmful chemicals. Here’s something they don’t teach you in any writing class: proper microwave safety is sexy. Fun fact, the original title for 50 Shades of Grey was Don’t Put Tin Foil in There, I Like Living.

“When she saw his member, a shock ran through her body like he dropped a microwave into her bathtub. Her knees buckled, permanently crippling her.”

It’s a toaster in a bathtub, not a microwave your obtuse blockhead. Dropping a microwave would do nothing more than possibly concuss her and ruin a beautiful piece of technology.

“He liked them athletic and she was built like NBA Superstar Vinnie “The Microwave” Johnson.”

Now this is how you write microwave-related content. Finally.

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