Emma!

My first act as your ex-fiancé will be to dedicate my life to something you mentioned once that you thought I forgot. The fact I remember it will prove I cared like no other man before me or since. And you’ll inevitably take me back. During our first date, you said “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” by nineties one hit wonder Deep Blue Something is a song you kind of liked.

And?

I remembered.

As I listened to it for the first time since you told me things were over (and how I hate when things are over) I realized my folly that night at your parents’ retirement celebration. You might remember it the same night as “The Hot Tub Incident.” But to make up to you my nudity during said event, I’m forming a DBS cover band as a grand gesture. I’ve asked Cleveland, your thirteen-year-old nephew, to drum in it.

That’s not too weird. Right?

You’ll soon hear how I’ve come into my own as a guitar player. I’ve learned two of the three chords to the chorus of “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” No. We haven’t learned the changes to the verses. Or the lyrics to them either. I mean, it doesn’t really matter because the little bastard Cleveland can’t keep a beat to save his life, although he attested to his ability to do so. Know what? He’s fired! So it’s me and only me in your front yard singing the Best of Deep Blue Something, which is literally the chorus and only the chorus to “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

And now you’ve turned on the lawn sprinklers. Great. I suppose I couldn’t change your mind by having your very favorite band of all time reunite on Cameo. Wouldn’t that warm your heart again to the thought of me? So what! I got naked in the hot tub and tried to stick my tongue into your sister’s ear as far as it would go. C’mon. It cost me all I have saved! This Cameo! Twelve dollars! Put down the golf club. Please! Don’t swing it at my head. Calm down!

It’s so plain now. Do you see it, Emma? Our breakup is a classic “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” situation. So what! At your parents’ retirement celebration, it wasn’t like Cleveland was watching me French kissing his mother’s ear canal for very long. I’m sorry when I chased you to apologize for calling you by your sister’s name. That’s the most typical of classic “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” situations. At least I think it is. I’m unsure. I don’t wholly know what the song’s about. But most likely? I’m right.

Wait. The song that you liked might have actually been “Hey Jealousy” by the Gin Blossoms.

Goddammit.

The one thing you’ve got,
Greg