by Elizabeth Simone

Physical Therapist:  

You say your back hurts because you are on your feet all day at your job. But the real cause of your pain is your height. Your back likely hurts because of all the slouching you’ve done over the years to try to fit in with those of us who are able to maintain a normal height.

Primary Care Doctor:

Research shows that people with a Body Height Index of more than 6’3” are more likely to get headaches. Your head is in an entirely different altitude from your feet so you are experiencing altitude sickness. It’s like what happens if a normal-height person is on a mountaintop, except your body is the mountain.

Gynecologist:

Heavy periods are more common in towering Amazon women like yourself. There’s just so much height in your uterus, so it can really pack in the blood.

Orthopedist:

I’m going to assume you broke your toe tripping over something you couldn’t see because your eyes are so far away from the floor. Tall people are clumsy like that.

Psychiatrist:

I know you say you are depressed because your mother just died, but your height can’t possibly be helping. It must really wear on you all the evil eyes you get from people seated behind you at concerts and movies.

ER Physician:

I see that you broke your arm and the bone is poking out, but I think what we really need to address today is your um, how shall I put this, tallness level. 

Dermatologist 

Your acne is probably caused by your height. Sinks are too low for you to properly wash your face. But this is hardly the sink manufacturer’s fault. It’s your own damn fault for not having enough willpower to get shorter.

OB-GYN:

We need to talk about how your height is impacting your ability to conceive. Yes, your husband’s sperm count is low. But we both know the real issue is that people of your stature have long vaginas that demand too far a swim for their partner’s delicate sperm. It’s like asking a team of one-armed men to swim the English channel.

Opthalmologist:

I know you are here for a routine eye exam, but did you know that being tall means you are at an increased risk for glaucoma because your head is closer to the sun’s damaging rays. If you don’t want to be blind by age 40, I suggest you do yourself a favor and whenever you go outside, walk on your knees. 

Pediatrician: 

While this is technically little Billy’s appointment, we should really talk about your height and the horrible example are you setting for Billy. Have you thought about what would happen if your son grew up to be tall like you? I recommend pushing Billy’s head down and telling him how worthless he will be if his height exceeds 6 ft.

Oncologist:

Cancer patients fare better if they are short. That’s just science. I know you feel lousy from the chemotherapy, but if you haven’t been able to lose the height any other way, you should go the surgical route and cut off your feet.