I was just twenty-five years old when I had my first encounter with erectile dysfunction. I was in excellent physical shape with no health complications, and yet it started happening more and more often with no clues as to why. I felt like something was wrong with me, like I was broken. Then a friend told me about “All Star,” by Smash Mouth. That’s when everything changed.
Turns out, it wasn’t just old guys listening to it. Lots of younger men with erectile dysfunction were turning to the 1999 smash hit to get their mojo back. Unfortunately, back then, you couldn’t just discretely stream it online the way you can now. You had to actually go into a record store, find the album, and then bring it up to the cashier. As you can imagine, it was incredibly embarrassing. So much so, that most guys chose to get it off the black market instead. That’s what I ended up doing too.
Like in the movies, I met up with a guy in a Safeway parking lot to get my hands on a copy of Smash Mouth’s, “Astro Lounge” from Interscope Records. It came wrapped in a brown paper bag with the album burned onto a blank CD. Very discrete.
The first time I tried it, I was on a date with a brunette. As soon as we got to her place, I turned off the lights and pulled out the CD player I had been hiding in my sports coat all night. I slid the headphones on over my ears, and pressed play.
“Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me….”
And just like that… my penis was ready to rock’n’roll.
When it was all over, my date hailed my performance as, “the best of her life even though it felt like there were a bunch of tangled wires in the bed.”
And just like that, I was hooked. With my new secret weapon, my sex life exploded. I became more confident. Not just when it came to approaching women, but in all other aspects of my life too. My golf swing got better. I grew a goatee. People started retweeting me on Twitter. It was like I had superpowers!
As you can imagine, “All Star” became my go-to move for years, playing out exactly like Smash Mouth always says:
“Well, the years start coming and they don’t stop coming.”
“Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running.”
“Didn’t make sense not to live for fun.”
“Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.”
“So much to do, so much to see.”
“So what’s wrong with taking the back streets?”
“You’ll never know if you don’t go.”
“You’ll never shine if you don’t glow.”
With my headphones on and my hips thrusting in full effect, I became the all-star. It was me who got my game on. It was me who shined and glowed.
And yet, despite feeling like a rock star, getting the show on, and getting laid, deep down inside… I started to seriously question if I had developed an addiction to the feel good anthem featured prominently in Dreamworks Animation’s Shrek.
As the years went by, the proliferation of new technology only accelerated my reliance on Smash Mouth for libido. Things like smartphones and Spotify made it so that I could get my fix any time, any where. I started carrying an Airpod in my wallet, tucked right next to a condom. I knew lots of guys who did the same thing.
Then it happened.
One day, I discovered that I no longer found anything the least bit arousing. Things that used to make me happy like exercising, trading Dogecoin, and spinning around in circles until I got dizzy no longer gave me that serotonin boost like they used to. That is, unless “All Star” was playing. Then, anything could be arousing. Yes, even Shrek.
That’s when I knew I had a problem.
After making excuses for months, I finally sought advice from a licensed sex therapist who was also a classicallly trained musician. She helped me realize that while Smash Mouth’s sweet melodies may have helped me physically, they created a codependency between my libido and the catchy summer anthem. In other words, in my current state, one could not exist without the other – I had to go cold turkey.
She directed me towards an online community, NoSmash, which had over 300,000 members committed to cutting Smash Mouth out of their lives for good. There, I discovered new, non-Smash Mouth music. I also discovered brotherhood and solidarity. We shared our erection struggles with one another, resolved the feeling of guilt and shame that came from loving Smash Mouth, and held each other accountable, which was extremely important as All Star’s hypnotic melodies can lure you in like a siren’s song time and time again.
Now, I’m proud to say that I’ve been Smash Mouth-free for over three years. I’ve found renewed energy, more excitement about life, and I’ve never been more confident in my tastes in music. Oh, and my mojo is back too. In fact, I even have a girlfriend now. She’s everything I ever dreamed of and more.
There’s just one small thing.
Every time we get into bed… she puts on Spice Girls.