What If the Snake Were Selling AdvoCare Dietary Supplements?

What’s scarier, a snake or a spider?

Would it matter if it were a harmless garter snake or cellar spider? What if the snake were an Inland Taipan, whose bite is lethal enough to kill 100 people, or if the spider were the Brazilian wandering spider, whose bite is potentially fatal to humans, but would probably kill only a child. What if you were that child?

What if the spider were selling LuLaRoe leggings? Would that make a difference? What if the spider kept running into you at Starbucks or Foot Locker, saying, “Hey, girl, so great to see you! I’ve been meaning to tell you about this amazing new shipment of leggings!” And you unfriended the spider on Facebook, but it still kept sending you private messages saying that you’re unique and beautiful, just like LuLaRoe’s relaxed-fit Harper knit sweater for fall? How loud would you scream if you found that spider on your pillowcase?

What if the snake were selling AdvoCare dietary supplements? His Instagram account would be a bunch of before-and-after photos of himself, looking admittedly more swol in the ‘after’ photos, but only because he was digesting a rat, though he wouldn’t mention that part. He’d also be shiny and gleaming in the ‘after’ photos, but only because he’d recently molted, though he wouldn’t mention that, either. Wouldn’t you just about die if that snake showed up in your sleeping bag, going on and on about how much energy and clarity he now has?

What if the snake weren’t venomous, but only toxic in relationships, and he moved in with your sister and told her she’s not allowed to wear low-cut blouses or two-piece swimsuits? Would that be more or less frightening than a spider? What if he looked at all the charges on her credit card every month and told her she spent too much, even though it was her salary they were both living on, because he was actually losing money on the AdvoCare supplements?

What if the spider befriended your sister, too, and got her into Young Living essential oils? Then, what if your sister and the spider both smelled like mouse droppings and decayed firewood because they smeared their stomachs with oils to ward off parasites? What if your sister started telling people that the oils fight cancer—even though she should know better because she’s a nurse—and putting stinky oils in all her Christmas baking? How blood-curdling would that be?

What if your sister dumped the snake and married a cockroach after knowing him only a few months? Wouldn’t that be petrifying? What if their wedding were held in the observatory at the top of the One World Trade Center building and the married couple both dressed like clowns and you had to give a speech? Which wedding guest would be the most hair-raising to be seated next to: a snake or a spider?