Helpful Hints for Our Wonderful Houseguests (Who We Love to Death!)

by Ronia Smits

Photo by Jessica Lewis on


Please hand over any guns. Empty your pockets and place bullets, sharp objects (including those cute little red Swiss Army knives), drugs, and prophylactics, in the lockable metal box on the ledge at the entry. My “love spouse,” Rabbit, has the key, which he keeps in another locked box.

You will get a front door key. Do not lose it.

No pets, sorry. Our boxer dog-child, Stanley, HATES pets.

Lights are out at 10:00 p.m. sharp. If you return late, you will be unable to enter, as we have applied BOTH deadbolts.

Should you smoke within twenty feet of the house, please wear the multi-functional, hermetically sealed, yet-to-be-FDA-approved “SMOKING CESSATION HELMET”; invented, by Rabbit, during his month-long fast on “Ayurvedic” turnip water. 

Apart from Stanley’s meals, this is a vegan household, so do not beg for meat. Begging is embarrassing. Just settle for what you are given — and like it! We are not about to insert our hands and stuff a “murdered” chicken’s ass, just to keep you happy!

Politeness is mandatory! Which means, basically, zip it! For brevity, please converse in acronyms and “txtspk.” Additionally, we practice mindful eating, so no talking or laughing. Garrulity is punishable by said, multi-functional, hermetically sealed “SMOKING CESSATION HELMET.”

We do not allow drunkenness, unless, we, too, are drunk, especially if it leads to arguing. If you have a problem with us and become obnoxious, remember we have your gun!

Our neighbors’ fourteen-year-old daughter, Gruba, will likely drop by to say hello. No matter your age or disability, she will challenge you to a wrestling match. She’s 300lbs and likes to “body slam,” so ignore her at your peril! For protection, might we suggest wearing…“THE HELMET”?

The guest bathroom is next to the dining room. If you MUST use it during mealtimes, turn on the fan as well as the light switch. The fan activates the music: the un-tempered wailing of bagpipes, Stanley’s barking, and Stockhausen’s “Kontakte” (electronic version). Should you forget to do this and “certain” bathroom noises occur, you can be sure we will hear everything. Fortunately, in readiness for this blunder, there is a music backup button under the rim of the dining table. IF we are in the mood to press it!

To save water, your shower has been set for precisely two minutes. Upon which time, an icy blast of dye will shoot out, and turn you bright green. On the shower caddy, is a bottle labeled, “Homemade Stain Remover—Highly-Volatile—May Cause Boils!” Splash it all over! BE SURE TO ACT FAST, THOUGH, AS THE BRIGHT GREEN IS PERMANENT!

The guest bedroom is actually Stanley’s room. You’d better let him sleep on the bed; he’s a very needy, temperamental dog with bowel issues and gum-disease (sorry about the breath!). It’s also a sex-free zone — as is everywhere in the house — which means no sex of any kind, with partner or without. And certainly not with Stanley! To ensure compliance, we have installed hidden cameras throughout, except for the bathrooms. That said we could be lying about the bathrooms.

Should you assume our cameras would not work in the dark, you would be incorrect. They have night vision, able to identify and record any sexual activity, ESPECIALLY FROM PERSONS WHO ARE BRIGHT GREEN! We will send this video to your family, friends, and place of employment. Additionally (revealing your name and address), we will post it on YouTube.   

We are light sleepers, becoming resentful and revenge seeking, when disturbed. Therefore, if you are over 200lbs, DO NOT MOVE. The bed frame is delicate and liable to collapse, particularly with Stanley lying on top of you. Moreover, we are not responsible for injuries. If this proves difficult, we can strap you down. Should you snore, we can cover your nose or mouth with duct tape, or, using treats, coax Stanley onto your head. Alternatively, there is always… “THE HELMET.”

Regrettably, Stanley is not the best of bedfellows. His whining, jaw snapping, and bodily eruptions could drive you to an early rise. Unfortunately, any noise before 5:00 a.m. is inconsiderate to your hosts. Only we can get up early!

To help build stamina and a hearty appetite, Rabbit enters his man cave at 4:00 a.m. (directly below the guest bedroom), for a vigorous, one-hour session of Japanese Taiko drumming. Around 3:45, he’ll give you advanced warning of this, by smashing two stainless steel pan lids together, inches above your head. Because once the drumming starts, Stanley always barks an accompaniment. Which can become VERY annoying! Meantime, I’ll be in the kitchen, practicing my arias, preparing a delicious breakfast for us all. You’ll LOVE my bitter greens and wild-foraged mushroom smoothies!

Enjoy your visit!

Om Shanti Om

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